Being attracted to the same sex was just as normal and natural to me as it was for a man and woman to be attracted to each other. I did not want to be drawn to the same sex, in fact, I do not think anybody feels elated with the discovery of their homosexual feelings, but for me it was all I had ever known.
I had a conversation with God that went something like this: God, I am trying to be something I am not. If homosexuality is really wrong, then please take these intense desires away from me!!! Please, in my heart of hearts, I do not want to be gay, but this is all I have ever known and it feels so right!
The conclusion here is if being attracted to the same sex is all I have ever known, then I must have been created gay.
Here are my thoughts about why we struggle at such a very young age:
I do not believe God created homosexuals, but I do believe a person can be born with homosexual struggles. We are all born into sin. Babies when they are in the womb respond to their mothers and outside stimuli. I think one can be wounded in the womb. Then after we are born, as little children we are great observers, but lousy interpreters. Here is an example of what I mean.
A woman was pushing her little girl in a grocery cart one day. A person came up to her an asked her if she wanted to buy some candy to help support retarded children. The mother said she would be glad to donate some money. She bought the candy and immediately gave it to her daughter. Very upset, the child looked at her mother and asked if she was retarded.
This precious, innocent little girl had observed the whole conversation, but because she was so young she did not interpret correctly what was going on. She actually thought she was retarded.
Dr. Del Tackett of Focus on the Family states: “What we believe in the present is determined in our past.” This mother in the story did not mean to hurt her child in anyway, but her daughter took into her spirit she was retarded. Some wounds are more overt.
Our wounded hearts start getting wounded at very young ages. Why, because parents are not perfect and because satan is after each one of us from the time of our conception. Someone once said,”If parents were perfect we would not need God.”
I need my Jesus every day. This is not the struggle I would have chosen. After I got over being so angry with God, this struggle has brought me into an intimate relationship with Jesus. Through prayer and counseling, He has been faithful to heal wounds I did not even remember receiving as a very young child.
To all those who feel like they were created gay– this is a lie. Born with deep, deep painful emotional wounds that can be healed– this is truth. I struggled all my life, but did not reach out for help until I was in my 30’s. Do not wait. No matter how old you are Jesus wants to set you free. God bless you all and continue the good fight.