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A lot of people I know struggle with the whole ‘single’ thing.

Let’s realise God isn’t calling us to the common dating scene that breaks hearts – He wants two people – set apart working as one team to achieve HIS AMAZING PURPOSES through relationships.

You are a prized possession! God has the perfect match for you! Don’t settle for less!

Trust in the Lord with ALL YOUR HEART-do not depend on your own UNDERSTANDING. Seek HIS will in ALL you do, and he will show you which path to take. (see Prov 3:5-6)

Take delight in the Lord, and HE WILL GIVE you your heart’s desires. (see Psalm 37:4)

SURRENDER your life to God, build GREAT FRIENDSHIPS with those who do the same, BELIEVE in faith for His match…and LET HIM write your love story!

God spells LOVE: G.I.V.E

What is True Love?

God spells LOVE: G.I.V.E!

Jesus said: “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:13)

Let’s be inspired today to surrender our own independent lives to God – and only then can we selflessly give to those that He puts in our life!

Two people are NEVER compatible. They CHOOSE TO BECOME compatible by selflessly giving 110%.

Let’s stop trying to FIND the right match and instead BE the right match.

If two people WORK TO BE the right match, that’s selfless, giving, – and it will last a lifetime of sacred romance when God brings their soulmate across their path.

Get to know somebody before you give your emotions to them

It’s easy to have catch a CRUSH. A beautiful or charming person can get the emotions pumping for sure! But God says we need to protect our hearts above all – because it determines the path of our life. (see Proverbs 4:23)

Remember: Just because we have a crush on someone doesn’t mean we should start a relationship with them. Lets get to know people as friends and find out WHO THEY REALLY ARE as people before we GIVE OUR EMOTIONS to them.

Who is the person beyond the surface appearance?

Are they giving, thankful and selfless?

Have they FULLY sold-out for God and love Him intimately?

How do they treat undesirable people… or their own family?

Remember: How a girl treats her father and how a guy treats his mother is important – it’s often how they will treat their future mate.

How will they treat you when romance isn’t in the air or when the baby throws up?

Its easy to fool ourselves into WANTING TO BELIEVE something about a person… Before we give our emotions… let’s get to really know them!

Marriage is for life, not just a hot Friday date!

Fresh thinking!

So you want to get married and be the best lover ever, right? But even if you have the HOTTEST mate, you can wreck it because of stinking thinking!

Mindsets from past relationships or from rebellion and abuse back home can creep into our relationships.

Commitment problems or gender confusion can often be linked to sour relationships with parents.

God says we need to value our parents to live blessed. (see Eph 6:2-3)

To PROVE God’s PERFECT WILL in our lives, we need to TRANSFORM our THINKING (Rom 12:2)

Lets INVITE Jesus into those walled areas of our minds and hearts – to HEAL us.

We need to forgive and make right with our parents too – regardless of whose fault it was!

Sobering, but very freeing!

Grasp the future that God has for you!

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

“Life may have not worked out as you had planned, but I am working it out for your own Good! Just stick by my side and hang onto me, my precious child. LET GO and let ME lead you. Don’t forget that dream that I PLACED in your heart. Hold onto that promise I gave you! Stir up yourself to eagerly catch it.

You may have walked through a few storms when you wandered in your own strength, but now let Me carry you into the sunshine…

Hang on… be patient and learn from me… Anticipate and eagerly expect that promise…” – God

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BAKERSFIELD, CALIF. (ANS) — Shelley Lubben is fighting against a multi-billion-dollar industry filled with lies and deceit, rampant with drugs and alcohol.

A former porn actress and prostitute, Lubben hopes her message will help wake the world up to what’s going on in the porn industry.

After eight years of hard recovery from the trauma of the sex industry, Lubben is on a mission to smash the illusion of porn and help people break the chains of sexual addiction.

She wants to tell America what the mission of the multi billion dollar porn industry really is. Writing on her web site she said it is to, “completely destroy you and your family through its ability to deceive you and lure you to buy into the lie.”

Lubben said on her web site, “Some of porn’s lies: Porn doesn’t hurt anyone. But the statistics are clear. According to comScore Media Metrix, 71.9 million people visited adult sites in August 2005, reaching 42.7 percent of the Internet audience. At $12 billion a year, the revenues of the porn industry in the U.S. are bigger than the NFL, NBA and Major League Baseball combined. Worldwide porn sales are reported to be 57 billion. To put this in perspective, Microsoft sells the operating system used on most of the computers in the world (in addition to other software) and reported sales of $36.8 billion in 2004.”

Pornography, Lubben said, is not only highly addictive but also promotes lies about women.

“Porn,” Lubben added, “exploits and devalues women. Porn converts women into objects rather then people with feelings and opinions of their own. Even soft-core pornography portrays women as sex objects who exist only to give sexual satisfaction to men. They are ‘pets’ or ‘playmates’ valued only from the neck down. Many porn addicts now admit they find it hard not to view women as chunks of meat because of viewing pornography.”

“Another lie the porn industry wants you to believe,” Lubben said, “is that we porn actresses love sex. They want you to think we enjoy being degraded by all kinds of repulsive acts. The truth, porn actresses have showed up on the set not knowing about certain requirements and were told by porn producers to do it or leave without being paid. Work or never work again.”

She added, “It’s also safe to say most women who turn to porn acting as a money-making enterprise, probably didn’t grow up in healthy childhoods either.”

Lubben said that some actresses admit they’ve experienced sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and neglect by parents.

“Some were raped by relatives and molested by neighbors,” she said. “Ask a porn star what her background was like and she’ll avoid that subject like the plague. Porn stars don’t want fans to know they actually have broken hearts. That would KILL the fantasy, now wouldn’t it?

“Porn is virtually everywhere on earth. It affects everyone. No matter where you go, it’ll be in your path. It will reach you through its TV networks, pay-per-view movies on cable and satellite, Internet Web sites, in-room hotel movies, phone sex, peep shows, and magazines.”

ABOUT SHELLEY LUBBEN

Lubben is married to Garrett Lubben and is the mother of three daughters. She has a powerful story of transformation and recovery. Involved in the adult film industry and prostitution over ten years ago, Lubben was transformed by the power of Jesus Christ.

She now shares her story in prisons, rescue missions, conferences, churches, tv, radio, film and on the web at www.shelleylubben.com. She has been a popular guest on a wide variety of Talk Shows ranging from Dr. Phil to the Michael Reagan Show.

Lubben speaks on a variety of topics that include the effects of prostitution and pornography, the truth behind the fantasy of porn, how to overcome pornography addiction, tricks pornographers play, the risks and effects of prostitution, recovery for sex workers, and many other topics to include abortion, theology, computer programming and scams in the sex industry.

Jeremy Reynalds is a freelance writer and the founder and director of Joy Junction, New Mexico’s largest emergency homeless shelter, http://www.joyjunction.org or http://www.christianity.com/joyjunction. He has a master’s degree in communication from the University of New Mexico, and a Ph.D. in intercultural education from Biola University in Los Angeles. He has five children and lives in Albuquerque, New Mexico. For more information contact: Jeremy Reynalds at jgreynalds@aol.com. Tel: (505) 877-6967 or (505) 400-7145. Note: A higher resolution JPEG picture of Jeremy Reynalds is available on request from Dan Wooding at danjuma1@aol.com.

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[Most names used in stories have been changed to protect identities]

Ray and Elena’s story

Let me relay a true story to you about Ray and Elena, – a middle aged couple with two kids, – Kim and Susan:

Ray and Elena met at a youth group many years ago. Ray was ‘the bomb’, – handsome, outgoing and charismatic. He was the all round ‘nice guy’ and the girls were lined up for him. He had the choice of almost any girl because of his good looks and hearty character.

Elena’s childhood was not easy… She clashed a great deal with her father. Her dad was an alcoholic and she resented it and rebelled.

Perhaps when Elena left home she said what I have heard before: “Now that I have left home my dad and I get along much better.”

Ray and Elena decided to get married. They both loved God and wanted to serve Him with their life.

Even though Ray and Elena wanted to serve God with their lives, Elena did not deal with the deep issues of the heart she thought she had left back home. The issues began to bubble up… Once the romance had faded, Elena started to treat Ray badly. She had trained her mind to think badly about her father all those years. Ray now became ‘that’ man in her life. He wasn’t an alcoholic, but the pattern of thinking she had developed through her rebellious years about her father started to emerge… All this because she had not dealt with the deep issues of the heart. She had allowed the past to stunt the growth of her Godly womanhood, – her true femininity that God intended for her.

Current situation – Elena and Ray are still married… but only just… Elena gets annoyed with Ray and constantly wishes she could leave him. Her sour attitude towards her husband has now been ingrained into her kids, Kim and Susan – they despise him too. Instead of dealing with the hurts of the heart… Instead of disciplining herself to selflessly love her father, Elena has influenced another generation to dishonour and despise the men in their lives.

Dr James Dobson of Focus on the Family:

“I have also observed that a woman’s respect for her husband is significantly influenced by the way she perceived her father. If he was overbearing, uncaring or capricious during her developmental years, she may disrespect her husband and question his judgment. But if Dad blended love and leadership in a way that conveyed strength, she will be more likely to live harmoniously with him.” [1]

Leslie Ludy tells a story of her husband in their book, ‘Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-13 Generation’:

“When Eric was growing up, his mom used to tell him, “Son, the way you treat me is the way you are going to treat your wife someday.” “I’m going to treat her better than that Eric countered confidently. Like many in the younger generation today, Eric didn’t see the correlation between the way he was treating his current family and the way he would treat his future family. He knew he was often insensitive and disrespectful toward his mom. But he reasoned that once he got married, those flaws would somehow melt away, and the tenderness and respect for his wife would come naturally. Anyone who is married knows that logic doesn’t stand! Marriage doesn’t naturally bring out our selfless servant hearted side. In fact it brings out our very worst! Today’s Christian marriages are often full of selfishness and pride rather than serving and giving.”  [31]

Lets deal harshly with our attitudes. We cannot let our difficult past with parents, our rebellion, or invisible wounds to determine our future. Lets allow God teach us to love and cherish our parents, to revolutionize our mindsets, so that we can experience the fullness of relationships that God placed in our lives.

God wants to heal us now – before we get married, so that our children one day will love and cherish those soul mates that God will one day bring into their lives.

It was their fault… It was my fault… It hurt… I don’t know whose fault, but something was wrong…

In relaying our own experience with your past we may say:

“My mom or dad treated me really badly and I was a rebellious child.” …or perhaps I didn’t act rebellious, – I was just wounded deeply by somebody close to me and it affected me…

Maybe we grew up in a wonderful, loving and accepting family but just went through a rebellious, selfish stage in our lives which formed our mindsets.

… or maybe we didn’t even go through a rebellious stage but just grew distant from our parents… Perhaps we lost our parents at an early age and missed their love and direction in our life.

It doesn’t matter what exactly happened, only two things matter:

- Did you miss out on the parental input in your life that is critical to your development as a ‘whole’ man or woman?
- Were you a hurt, rebellious or selfish child – allowing you to develop wrong thinking and mindsets about those in authority and those that you were close to?

Satan will use whatever he can to ruin you – the beautiful, loving person God created. He will try to build up wrong thinking about love and life in your mind with every intention of destroying your future.

Remember this…

Whatever those people close to you did… you have a decision to make!

You can’t change the past… you can’t change them as a person… you can’t make them feel sorry for what they did… but you can change your thinking about them.

With God’s help you can choose to love them. You can choose to forgive. You can choose to selflessly give to them. This is one way you change your thinking, your mindsets, and attitudes. Making a choice to love and allowing the Holy Spirit work in you, – growing your ability to love, your patience and commitment.

What you did…

You can’t change your rebellious and selfish past if you had one, you cannot change yourself… but you can admit where you were wrong, and allow God to make the change in you!

I feel as if I can’t love or commit like I should

In relating to my young single friends I have quizzed many of them on their relationships with their parents, – specifically their relationship with their father. My findings were sad and shocking. I found out that many of my friends had experienced a difficult relationship with their father in their growing up years. Nearly every one of these same people also had, – or are currently having issues in romantic relationships – dating, courting or marriage.

My friends would tell me about their relationships using statements like:

• “I would never tell my girlfriends I loved them”
• “I would not allow them into my life – I felt as though they were nosey”
• “I am not sure which girl to choose, I enjoy being with them both”

God had created these precious people to love their soul mate that he had brought across their path. They were unable to fall in love properly – to wholeheartedly commit to and love the opposite sex – and sadly they often didn’t realise why.

If they were male, they were unable to lead and love like they should. If they were female, they were unable to trust and be cared for, following the man in their life. Both sexes showed an internal difficulty to commit – in different ways.

The common factor? In nearly all cases it seemed to be their relationship with their father! They had been rebellious to their father, he had been absent in their lives, or he had wounded them in some way.

How these people valued their father was affecting all their other relationships. The most saddening part was that they were often blinded to one fact: Their relationship with their dad was drastically affecting their relationships with the opposite sex.

Issues with their father whilst growing up had allowed wrong mindsets to be built up. These very mindsets were blocking them from enjoying all the sizzling and carefree romance with the soul mate that God may have made cross their path.

AWARENESS ZINGER: If we allow these wrong mindsets to stick around, satan has every intention of using them with full force to sap the love, joy and potential out of our romantic relationships.

Today, somebody I know well – Jim, related to me a past experience he had on a date with a girl that had been adopted. She had a really bad attitude to guys. On the date, she shared with Jim that men were only good for one thing – sperm donors. When Jim asked about her adoptive father, she said that he was nice, but took the view that women do everything.

While most hurting Princesses and Princes may not be as outspoken about their hurtful feelings toward the opposite sex, maybe you have noticed a girl who get annoyed when men invade their territory, or a guy who neglects the woman in His life.

Jim was quick not to organise another date with the girl. I find it heartbreaking that many allow true love to slip from their grip, because of bitterness or rebellion they had growing up with their father or mother. I am not as quick to write people (like Jim’s date) off. My heart aches for them. I see these people lovely creations that God created. Because of the wrong mindsets they allow to be built up in their mind, they will often sabotage every good relationship that God tries to brings them. Jim could not try change her his date, – even Jesus himself can not change her – unless she allows Him.

“Because of a mistake her father made, a friend of mine has a distorted view of men. She’s constantly complaining about them and is annoyed by them. She mistrusts most men. They better not make a mistake, for every mistake is magnified. She meets them with a furrowed or raised brow or a pinched lip. Despite her desire for marriage, she truly believes there are no good men. My heart hurts for her.”   -Longing for Daddy by Monique Robinson [23]

You have probably heard it said by your single friends: “Now that I have left home, my parents and I get along much better”

These days so many kids don’t get along with their parents and move out of home, thinking it will solve everything. Unfortunately whether we realise it or not, the issues with our parents follow us wherever we try to escape to – like elastic bands drawing us back to the same problems. We think we are leaving our problems at home, but are carrying them along with us…in our heads… in the mindsets we have developed over the years. We need to un-attach from our problems properly, – not just try to walk away from them. With the help of the holy spirit and determination, we can!

Bear with me… there is hope and healing. Things that are totally impossible with man, – healing the deep hurts of the heart… are dead-easy with God! He takes every aspect of our old lives… nails them to the cross… – if we allow Him – and He gives us a brand new life.

Christ gave us the power to transform our thinking – to throw away old mindsets and ways of thinking, – and to renew our minds to God’s higher ways. Satan has tried to make you a prisoner to your past, to that thinking that has developed over the years of rebellion or hurt. Jesus came to earth so that he could free you from your chains of wrong thinking. I know a miracle worker that came to to perform a miracle in your life – if you allow Him to.

In the old testament, Jeremiah sent a letter with encouragement to people who have been made captive by a foreign land. I believe God would send this same encouragement to you today:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.” Jeremiah 29:11-14

Filling the void of masculine love from the wrong places

I am involved in a large, very lively church packed with youth. Often a whole group of us would go to the local restaurants in the city – to an area renown for its gay bars. It touches my heart to see such amazing people, trapped in their lifestyle… hopeless to change themselves… not realizing that there is so much better – healing – in store for them.

Often, – but not always people look for masculine love in a gay relationship.

Here is a true story about two people I knew whom will nickname Adam and Rob:

Adam’s dad died at an early age. Growing up he lacked a fatherly influence and became involved in the gay lifestyle. Many years later he met Rob who also lacked a fathers influence. Adam and Rob lived together as partners for many years. During that time Rob started going to a church, genuinely seeking God in his life. He put himself in a position to hear from God, and God started working on his heart. Recently we heard the good news – Rob had left Adam and started dating a girl.

Sometime back I was speaking to a middle-aged friend of mine. (We will nickname him Fred). Fred had been previously had been living in the gay lifestyle. He is now married to a lovely wife and is following God. You can guess the question I was keen to ask him! I asked Fred about his relationship with His father! He relayed an incredibly sad story to me. His father had been a gambler and he was hurt by his parents always fighting. Fred had been terribly bitter with his father… I could hear the emotion in his voice as he relayed to me the sad story. I am thankful that my he allowed God to start healing his heart – he had made a choice to drastically change and can now look forward to a hopeful future with God and his wife.

In The Datetalk Audio Series, Wolfi Eckleben says:

“Listen. there’s some things that a man is, there’s something that a woman is – and the truth is that what God made you to be – a man or woman …Wholeness comes when you accept that for yourself.” [11]

“Now the interesting thing is the bible says that God created them male and female, – but it says that it was the man who left his father and his mother and was joined to his wife. So he was born a male … he was only ready to be joined once he was a man. Now being a male and a female is a matter of birth, but being a man and a woman – ready to for relationship is a matter of choice, a matter of maturity. It’s not just the plumbing that makes us different. Its about maturity. – Have you accepted your manhood, your womanhood?” [11]

When we miss the father input – the masculine input in our lives, – we place ourselves at risk filling the void of masculine love from the wrong places.

In ‘Wild at Heart’, John Eldridge writes: “What’s fascinating to note is that homosexuals are actually more clear on this point. They know what is missing in their hearts is masculine love. The problem is that they’ve sexualized it.” [12]

Asked in a TV interview by Larry King why people choose a gay orientation, Joyce Meyer replied:

“I think a lot of different reasons. I believe a lot of people that are gay, had even had problems like I had in the past. I think they’ve been hurt by somebody from the opposite sex, and they don’t know how to function right in those relationships.

When you’re hurt very badly in your childhood, the area that it has the greatest effect on is relationships. Once you feel like you can’t trust people, once you feel like that they don’t care about you, that they’re really not going to take care of you, it gets very difficult in relationships. And you know, I’ve been so mistreated by male authority in my life that I had a terrible time in my marriage trying to be a submissive wife, you know. I mean, I wanted to rule the roost in everything. And it wasn’t even really that I was rebellious; I was afraid of being hurt. And I think that a lot of people that choose these alternative lifestyles, I think it’s because they’ve been hurt somewhere along the line very badly.”

Wolfi Eckleben says: “…Resisting … your sexuality, resisting your gender is a form of rebellion … against God your maker. And I want to encourage you there is healing. There is wholeness. There is restoration. I am fully confident that God made them male and female, and nothing in between. The anything that comes in between, or that marrs or changes, that is … not what the maker did, but what society has put on you or the choices that you’ve have made. And it may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility … This is my life to live and I’ve got to make the choices to change. I might not have control of my past, but I do have control of my future in every area of my life.” [11]

We learn how to commit and love by practicing with our family

If you are a guy, your mother may have said: “Johnny, be sure to look out for a girl that relates well to her dad, because that’s how she will treat you one day if you marry her.”

If you are a girl, she may have said: “Suzy, marry a boy who treats his mom like gold. That is the way he will treat you one day.”

Time and time again, I have seen examples of people who do not place value one or more of their parents. They will generally find it difficult to place value on those that they have relationships with, – people who represent those parents. On the other hand there are examples of people who cherish their parents, – and they in turn cherish and go overboard for those people (who represent their parents) in future relationships.

For example if a guy takes care of his mom, when he meets that special soul mate, he will take care of her. If a girl highly prizes her father, she will generally prize the man that God brings into her life.

If we got annoyed quickly with our parents we should not be surprised at all when we get annoyed with that man or woman that we asked God to put into our life. If we had no time for our parents, considered them a nuisance, or were rebellious to them, lets not fool ourselves in thinking we will act any different to our future soul mate.

Family is special nest created by God. It exists to nurture us, comfort us and to challenge us to greatness. I am convinced that as a rule, if a boy grows up as ‘mommies boy’ or a girl grows up as ‘daddies girl’, that is the way they will try to treat their future mate. As a backup, God often places older brothers and sisters in our lives who can, – to an extent, take the place of a mother or father in our lives if our parents are absent.

Dr David Stoop says of the teen years:

“The parent will affirm them in their own developing manliness and womanliness and will show them how to relate to other people of the opposite sex.” [30]

BE ENCOURAGED! BE INSPIRED! If you were never ‘mommies boy’, or ‘daddies girl’, be encouraged! Christ has the best in store for you, waiting for you to take hold of the best years of your life. Love, intimacy, companionship, commitment and romance are all in reach if we will allow Jesus into those walled gardens of our life.

Let’s face it – no family is perfect. In fact most parents (and kids) are pretty dysfunctional in one way or another, but that is the way God gives us the opportunities to love the unlovable, to respect the un-respectable, to be patient with those who test our patience, to defy common culture and to do good to those that wound us.

They just can’t love?!: The myth and the reality

• I have heard it said before that some people don’t know how to love their soul mate.
• I have also heard it said that some people just go a lot deeper than others.

The first statement is true – some people do not ‘know’ how to love deeply. The second is false – God made everyone with emotions to love that go deep down. God intended us to selflessly love, commit and sell themselves out for their soul mate. He wants people to throw everything to the wind and pursue a whirlwind romance that He has for them.

The reason why some people do not know how to love is because there is a devil in this world that tries to take that perfect love that God intended and warp it through our background and our thinking. He has been around a lot time and knows how to use mistakes of our parents, or our own selfishness and rebellion, – to wreck closeness in relationships that God intended.

Mental walls that block our soul mate out

When we have been wounded, selfish or rebellious, we can build mindsets, – walls in our thinking that we consider normal, walls that are hidden to us, – walls that block us from receiving and giving love in the way God designed. We don’t allow our soul mate to cross these walls, – they block out the perfection of romantic, selfless love that God designed for us to enjoy.

How we think today is a result of the way we have trained our minds to think over many years. If the devil can continue to make us think wrongly, he will cause us to sabotage every meaningful relationship that God brings across our path.

We cannot let our past rebellion, selfishness, or the father and mother wounds in our lives stop us from experiencing all the blessing of love and romance that Jesus died to give us.

Remember that we are God’s prized possessions – extra special to Him. Satan will use parents mistakes or our own rebellious and selfish actions to block us from experiencing the promised land that God has for us.

Take hold of the promise

If we have given our life over to Jesus, just like the Israelites in the bible we have been ‘brought out of Egypt’, but Satan will try to make us ‘die in the wilderness’, – instead of entering in and experiencing the ‘promised land’ that God intended.

That promised land is truly a land of milk and honey – the very best that God life could dream up for us… a life of light hearted romance, joy, – and productivity for God’s kingdom alongside our soul mate…

The only thing stopping us… is us!

You or those you are close to may think that you don’t know how to love. I know a Jesus that came to heal, restore and make you totally new and fresh. God can teach you to love selflessly and without reservation. You can be totally generous, crazy, and sold out for your future mate, but God requires something from you to work with – your faith, resolve and action.

The words resound in my mind: Honour (value) your father and mother so that it may be well with you.

It is never too late to start honoring our parents. We can’t change our past, but we can change the future with some simple actions. And with what Jesus did for us, – we can be a totally new person – and start life with a clean slate, not hindered by the past. Let’s take advantage of it!

Back to school: Learning to love

I can remember my exam days in school and university – just a few years back. I was never the academic kid of the family – that was my brothers spotlight. For me – exams existed to be passed, and I generally did what was necessary to get over them shortly and quickly. The aim was not so much in gaining the knowledge, but rather to get the qualification at the end.

Often I would work out when the exam was and leave the intense studying as close to that date as possible. Still cramming a few minutes before the exam actually was a regular occurrence. Most study was there to be endured, before moving on to the more enjoyable aspects of life.

Too often, that’s how we treat our relationships with our parents – something to be endured, for as little time as possible before we move out of home. But regardless of whether our parents were good parents or not, God put our both our of them in our lives for the long haul – people who God would teach us to love. They may not have been great role models, but that’s the beauty of it. We learn to value our parents even if they mess up.

When we value our parents, its not only for their benefit, but ours! Our characters are formed. We learn priceless lessons about treating our friends, the person we are courting, and future husband or wife. We learn to be patient with our parents when they mess up. We learn to give when we don’t feel they deserve it. We choose to love a person who can sometimes be unlovable.

We learn to quickly forgive when they mess up. We learn that they are imperfect humans, so we are not shocked when God brings a fellow human (our soul mate) to build our life with who is not perfect. In honoring our parents, we learn invaluable lessons and build characteristics that will be useful in our future romantic relationship with our husband or wife. The greatest lessons we learn are:

• to die to self
• to love, be patient with and value imperfect people

These days people travel to the other side of the world to educate themselves, – to build a future. Isn’t it sad that we don’t realise that the best future we can build is in our home town. It’s in that 20-or-so meters of confinement that surrounds us and keeps us warm at night, – our very home.

I know a lot of people who have come to the country I live in to learn English, study a vocation or find a better life. They descend from every corner of the globe – India, Poland, Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia, Brazil… the list goes on. It’s amazing and awesome to meet and have friends from every area of the globe.

In searching for the amazing life God has promised us, sometimes it seems easier to go find an answer on the other side of the world, but we fail to realise that answer may be waiting for us back at home where we left it. Parents and home are often the ‘unwelcome’ packages that God places in our lives to learn from. Too often we find it hard to receive from them, give to them and love them, – so we discard them.

These important qualifications are not found at Harvard, Princeton, Oxford or Cambridge University. Instead its found at a much higher calibre school – called ‘Parents University’. This university can sometimes be a lot more challenging than any other educational establishment, but the benefits are priceless in comparison.

“If you honor your father and mother, things will go well for you…”

You may be still living at home and still have time left to value your parents. Now is that time to take advantage and make this quality time, honoring both your parents.

You may say to me: “I get along well with one parent, – but because of some reason my relationship with my other parent isn’t a great… its good but not great…” Now is the time – with God’s help – to build that relationship!

What happens if you have left home? It’s simple common sense: When you get lost, retrace your steps and go back to where you went wrong. Then carry on.

In the story of the Prodigal son, Jesus tells us of a rebellious son returning back home, saying “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.” As long as there is no risk of physical abuse, – maybe its about time to return home to serve, love and honor your parents (even if it is thousands of miles away).

The time spent learning now, – practising selflessness with our parents can save years of heartache in future courting and marriage relationships.

If your parents aren’t alive anymore, pray for God to send parental replacements into your life that you can learn to love and honour – as if they were your parents. Maybe they are an older, mature couple at church, or your boyfriend/girlfriends parents.

It’s never too late to start valuing our parents!

It doesn’t matter how old we are. Regardless of whether we are 5, 16, 28 or 50 years old we can learn to value our parents and it can do us the world of good.

‘Neuro development’ says that movements of a baby help develop the neural pathways of the brain – from the time that the baby is inside the womb, – to exercises like crawling and walking outside the womb.

A person may be under-developed in coordination or other ways if that miss out on these ‘baby excercises’. The truly phenomenal observation is that a person can actually still develop their brain if they carry out the same exercises when they get older.

Remember: It is never, ever too late to start honoring our parents. God said in Joel 2:25:

“And I will restore or replace for you the years that the locust has eaten…”

Love is a choice. Just like with studying, we know what we need to do, but we need to take action – to get out our books and start cramming. In this case we just need to take action in honoring and valuing our parents. If we have in the past have devalued our father or mother – for whatever reason – we need to learn to love them. Just like any other discipline in life, – we have to ‘work at it’, – not in our own strength, but through the power of God’s Holy Spirit living in us.

That way, – when God brings that perfect Prince or Princess into our life, – we will choose to prize them like we should.

The bible promises that if we allow God to renew our minds we can experience God’s perfect will for our lives – WOW!:

“And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:1-2 (NLV)

Because of what Jesus did for us, we have so much benefit to take hold of. The choice is ours, now. Make the most of now!

__________________________________

[This article is part of the 'Honor Parents, Value Soul Mate' series. View other parts of this series and references here.]

[Most names used in stories have been changed to protect identities]

Feel free to republish this article text in full with proper attribution, linking back to this www.SloppyNoodle.com

Non-quoted text is copyright Stephen Ernst, SloppyNoodle.com and generously licenced under a Creative Commons Licence.

[1] – http://www.family.org/parenting/A000001230.cfm
[2] – http://www.joycemeyer.org/NR/rdonlyres/7F8EC7E7-B280-492E-BACD-7780FC0374A/0/BalancelookatSub.pdf
[3] – http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/Devotions/Irvin_father_eyes.aspx
[4] – http://www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/EverydayAnswers/Articles/art51.htm
[5] – http://www.rickross.com/reference/meyer/meyer9.html
[6] – http://www.enotalone.com/article/3701.html
[7] – http://www.rickross.com/reference/meyer/meyer23.html
[8] – Love Means Sacrifice, Not Selfishness: http://www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/EverydayAnswers/Articles/art19.htm
[9] – ‘Always Daddy’s Girl’ H. Norman Wright (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1989) p. 208
[10] – Two Are Better than One: http://www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/EverydayAnswers/Articles/art6.htm
[11] – The Datetalk Audio Series with Wolfi Eckleben: http://sloppynoodle.com/datetalk.shtml
[12] – Wild at Heart by John Eldridge P95,P95
[13] – ‘Captivating’ by Staci and John Eldridge pg 52
[14] – Derek Prince – Husbands and Fathers audio
[15] – http://www.aboutdivorce.org/us_divorce_rates.html
[16] – http://www.cbs.nl/en-GB/menu/themas/bevolking/publicaties/artikelen/archief/2005/2005-1818-wm.htm
[17] – http://cf.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/lexicon.cfm?Strongs=G1135&t=kjv
[18] – http://cf.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/lexicon.cfm?Strongs=G435&t=kjv
[19] – Eight Specific Reasons Why Christians Suffer: http://www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/EverydayAnswers/Articles/art37.htm
[20] – God uses nobodies: http://www.sloppynoodle.com/God_uses_nobodies.shtml
[21] – 1 Kings 12
[22] – http://www.ccel.org/contrib/exec_outlines/he/he_07.htm
[23] – Longing for daddy by Monique Robinson p.37
[24] – ‘Making peace with your father’ by Dr David Stoop p.15
[25] – ‘Making peace with your father’ by Dr David Stoop p.27
[26] – ‘Making peace with your father’ by Dr David Stoop p.35
[27] – ‘Making peace with your father’ by Dr David Stoop p.39
[28] – ‘Making peace with your father’ by Dr David Stoop p.46
[29] – ‘Making peace with your father’ by Dr David Stoop p.33
[30] – ‘Making peace with your father’ by Dr David Stoop p.41
[31] – Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-13 Generation by Eric and Leslie Ludy p.145, 146

[ Read article in English ]

Eu li hoje nos jornais como Paris Hilton e seu namorado Benji Madden terminaram seu relacionamento. Hilton disse que ama ele, e mais “ele e um homem maravilhoso e ele e meu melhor amigo ele tem sido muito bom e leal. Nos sempre seremos muito proximos. Vamos ver o que  acontece no futuro.”

Ela culpou o fato de ambos terem agendas cheias: “Nos tomamos essa decisao juntos como dois adultos,” ela disse. ” nos estamos agora somente dando um tempo.” Tao triste, eu pensei! Como e desvalorizado e conveniente e o ideal de amor e romance nos dias de hoje.

O que vem a sua mente quando eu digo as palavras:” Verdadeiro amor”?

E muito bom passar o tempo com outra pessoa? O ritmo acelerado do seu coracao quando voce olha dentro dos lindos olhos da pessoa amada? O sentimento que alguem tem um valor importante para voce?

A verdade nao e nada disso sobre o verdadeiro amor. Deixe levar voce a uma jornada de descoberta, aprofundando em um sagrado romance, e descobrindo o que o verdadeiro amor realmente e. Respire fundo e reflita nas palavras desse artigo, porque nisso se encontra o poder de salvar o seu futuro casamento, – mesmo antes de começar o namoro!

Meus Pais

Eu gosto de passar tempo construtivo com meus pais. Para estar com eles e poder respirar um ar fresco em um ensipido mundo. Eles gostam um do outro, – nao como Romeo e Julieta, mas eu algo maior, em uma forma mais significativa… Eles mostram e demostram o que e o verdadeiro amor.

Ainda vivendo em casa, a maioria dos sabados a noite eu fico com meus pais em casa para um dos destaques da semana, – o que e um passeio para um refeicao noturna no Nandos, -  peri peri restaurante de frangos ( restaurante muito famoso na Englaterra )… tao distante eu sei, -  E o melhor restaurante de frangos do planeta.

O tempero peri peri pode ser dosado em no frango em em tres variacoes: “medio”, “apimentado” e “muito apimentado” , – mas nada disso pode ser comparado ao amor dos meus pais.

Talvez voce esteja pensado, Oh! isso e tao romantico… semi fast food restaurante que vende saboroso frango. Nao tem velas nas mesas, o ambiente e de muito barulho e o ceu azul estrelado tem uma larga espessura de gesso entristecido entre nos e ele.

A verdade e: o verdadeiro amor nao e relativo a uma ambiente que nos estamos, mas estabelecido o ambiente que nos escolhemos fazer.

Um coracao de entrega

Minha mae ama suco de cenoura e desde de que Nandos nao vende suco de cenoura, meu pai cria um ambiente de “amor”  e por muitas vezes ele sai do restaurante para ir a um mercado proximo para comprar suco de cenoura e trazer para o restaurante onde estamos. Minha mae embeleza esse ambiente de “amor” segurando as maos dele, conversando amavelmente e desmostrando que ele tem valor.

E triste e inadequado como pessoas assume o verdadeiro amor como algo que eles desejam encontrar um dia. O verdadeiro amor nao e algo para sair pelo mundo procurando encontrar. Nao e encontrado nos encontramos a “perfeita” e compativel alma gemea. Essa pessoa nao existe!

Na verdade o verdadeiro amor e algo significa a sua auto entrega a uma outra imperfeita pessoa e isso faz com que haja crescimento.

Estabelecendo a nossa vida para criar o verdadeiro amor

Verdadeiro amor é o que estabelece a nossa própria vida o ‘eu’, ‘único’ e ‘independênte’. Podemos, então, prender-se a outra pessoa a quem nós escolhemos para amar.

Jesus demostrou o verdadeiro amor entregando sua vida em favor de nos.

“Por tudo isto os homens saberão que sois meus discípulos, se você ama um outro.” (Joao 13:35)

“Este é o meu mandamento:  Amai uns aos outros na mesma maneira que eu vos amei. Não há maior amor do que para entregar sua vida em favor dos outros. “(João 15:12-13)

Meu pai ama verdadeiramente minha mae e ele vao para o ultimo nivel, apenas comprar os presentes que ele sabe que ela ama – como suco de cenoura ou roma. Ela respeita e valoriza ele. muitas vezes entregando de sua propria vida para estar la com ele quando ele precisar, para lhe preparar um jantar, passar as camisas dele. Ela levantara bem cedo para preparar um suco fresco para toda a familia.

Essa acoes sao tipicas do verdadeiro amor: colocar voce mesmo em favor de outro, para sacrificar os seus desejos e conforto pelo o outro, e construir uma “vida” juntos.

Eu perdi a conta de quantos namoros e casamentos eu vi passando por problemas, – e muitas vezes fracassando. Tristemente a razao e porque pessoas preciosas nao entendem o que e necessario para que o relacionamento funcione bem, isso requer que duas pessoas entrenguem individualmente suas proprias vidas e trabalhem como um time – por uma razao: A gloria de Deus!

Ficamos tao abituados aos previlegios de uma vida de solteiro, quando Deus quer que movemos para uma proximo estagio em nossas vidas com nossa alma gemea, talvez nos podemos chutar ou gritar sobre isso. Talvez nos podemos apreciar a neve no inverno tanto como uma linda primavera esta vindo, se sentindo quente e claustrofobico.

Meu pai e minha mae sao meus heroes. Juntos ele tem uma vida – para servir a Deus junto e ver as pessoas serem transformadas atraves do poder de Jesus. Eles trabalham como uma equipe por um ideal. Alguma coisa ou alguem que tira eles dessa visao de equipe e deixado para traz para que esse segrado romance continue.

Eles sao perfeitos? Nao! Eles cometem erros como todos nos… mas eles sabem que eles precisam manter o foco e construindo em Cristo, o relacionamento deles e a familia atravez do poder de Jesus.

Eles tiveram que tomar grandes decisoes para manter esse sagrado romance vivo. As vezes viajando para outro lugar, fujindo de amizades perigosas, ou deixando de lado grandes oportunidades pessoais, – qualquer coisa que levasse ao limite dentro desse sagrado romance precisou ser minimizado.

Tempos dificeis promovem grandes oportunidades do verdadeiro amor prosperar

O verdadeiro amor nao faz com que a vida seja facil e bela como um botao de rosa, De fato isso vai ser visto nas mais dificies circunstancias. Meus pais tem dez filhos sem a propria consederacao de gastos. A vida foi dificil algum tempo na pequena propriedade de cinco acres onde tinhamos animais domesticos, vacas e galinhas, e algumas vezes muito pouco dinheiro.

Quando meus pais se conheceram, minha mae sacrificou ela propria para vir a ser uma enfermeira para o meu pai. E depois ela se tornou professora. Depois meu pai  deixou um dos grandes sonhos de sua vida por ela.

Eles viveram em muitos paises e se eu contasse algumas das experiencias que eles tiveram, voce iria se maravilhar como eles ainda estao juntos, em amor, envolvindos um ao outro, e Deus.

Em tempos dificeis, muitas vezes pessoas nao concondam. Sempre permitem que seus proprios desejos dominem e o amor verdadeiro desaparece.    Quando eles são críticos em relação uns aos outros, o relacionamento começa a murchar.    Somente quando sacrificar seus próprios desejos e falar o melhor de cada, que este romance sagrado pode realmente prosperar.

Sacrificando nossa propria vida para encontrar a “alma” na alma gemea

Quantos namoros/ relacionamentos que voce conhece que e totalmente egoista?

E comum para nos procuramos pela pessoa de nossos sonhos e ira varrer nossos pes.

Em vez disso, quando nos mesmo varremos os pes de outra pessoa o que poderia ser nos mesmos experienciamos o verdadeiro amor. Quando uma pessoa faz tudo para varrer os peus dos outros, eles ficam exaustos, quando duas pessoas trabalham como uma equipe escolhendo varrer os pes um do outro o esforco e a pura felicidade!

Quantos casamentos voce conhece os dois decidem abandonar os proprios desejos em favor do outro? E penso se nos verdadeiramente conhecessemos e vivessemos o amor de Deus, nos nao veriamos tantos divorcios e rompimentos.

O verdadeiro amor e somente encontrado somente quando aprendemos verdadeiramente entregar. Deixando nossas vidas de lado em favor daqueles que dizemos que amamos. Para aquele que ainda nao se casaram, – cabe a nos aprender como o verdadeiro amor com nossos amigos, familia e alma gemea, – e isso vai salvar o seu futuro casamento – antes mesmo de comecar o namoro.

Jesus nos mostrou como fazer isso

Se nos somos verdadeiros cristaos, nos vamos entregar nossas velhas vidas totalmente rendidos por Cristo em seu poder. Somente quande sermos nada… e ele ser todas as coisas, o poder de uma vida crista pode ser experienciada.

Paulo compara o relacionamente de Cristo e cristaos ao esposo e a esposa. um esposo deve sacrificar, dando toda a sua vida por sua esposa – como fez Jesus, diz Paulo.

Eu sinto muito triste por muitos rapazes e mocas que ve esse verdadeiro amor como um “controle”. Ao inves disso Deus direciona para o sagrado romance, completando o relacionamento que Jesus mesmo demostrou para nos.

Deus quer dar para nos o melhor dos relacionamentos com nossa alma gemea que sera um  grande casamento… mas cabe a nos fazer com que isso aconteca!

E idiota dizer que estaremos deixando a independecia e a vida de solteiro depois que casarmos!

A verdade e: casar nao muda muito o relacionamento, – apenas a liberdade para ter intima relacao fisica.

Se nos estamos em um serio namoro, nos deveriamos estar treinando nos mesmo a estar vivendo como “um” para a gloria de Deus – a frente do tempo.

Entregando nossa vida a Jesus permitindo nos a sacrificar nossa propria vida para a alma gemea que ele da a nos

Nos nao podemos entregar nossas propria vidas para nossa alma gemea ate que nos venhamos para o fim de nos mesmos. E comecar a jornada e tomar a decisao de deixar nossa propria vida e encontrar em Cristo.

Seja inspirado hoje a entregar a sua propria vida, e independencia a Deus… – e somente entao poderemos deixar nossas vidas em favor daqueles que ele colocou em nossas vidas!

Pare de tentar encontrar a pessoa certa e ao invez disso seja pessoa certa. Se duas pessoas tentam encontrar a pessoa certa, – eles podem passar toda a vida procurando por uma pessoa que nao existe.

Se duas pessoas trabalham para ser a pessoa certa, que e a auto entrega, e vai durar para toda a vida quando entao encontra sua “imperfeita” alma gemea

O amor não é amor
O que altera quando se ve alteração,
Ou curvas com o removedor para eliminar:
Ó não! é uma marca cada vez fixo
Isso parece tempestades e nunca é abalado;
É a estrela de cada maravilhoso latido,
Cujo valor é desconhecido, embora sua altura ser tomadas.
Amor nao e perda de tempo, embora corderosa lábios e bochechas
Dentro de sua flexão foice da bússola vir:
Amor não modifica com sua breve horas e semanas,
Mas assume que, mesmo à beira da desgraça.
Se este erro e ser baseada em me provou,
Eu nunca escrevi, nem nenhum homem jamais amou.
- William Shakespeare

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
- William Shakespeare

__________________________________

Translated by Paulo Olivier

Sinta livre pare reproduzir este artigo com todo o seu conteudo, divulgando o link para www.sloppynoodle.com

Non-quoted text is copyright Stephen Ernst, SloppyNoodle.com and generously licenced under a Creative Commons Licence.

Sponsored in part by Sensory Clinic

__________________________________

[ Read article in Portuguese ]

I read today on the news how Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Benji Madden had separated. Hilton said that she loves him, and added, “He’s such an amazing man and he’s my best friend and he’s been so great to me and so loyal. We’ll always be very close. We’ll see what happens in the future.”

She blamed their busy schedules: “This was a decision we made together as two adults,” she said. “Right now we are just taking a break.” How sad, I thought! How cheap and convenient the ideal of love and romance is in this day and age.

What comes to your mind when I say the words: “True Love”?

Is it enjoying spending time with another person? The flutter of the heart when you gaze into your sweethearts beautiful eyes? A feeling that somebody is valuable or important to you?

The truth is that none of the above are true love. Let me take you on a journey of discovery, delving into a Sacred Romance, and discovering what true love really is. Breathe deeply the words of this article, because within them lie the power to save your future marriage, – even before you begin dating!

My Parents

I love spending quality time with my parents. To be with them with them is often like a breath of fresh air in a stale world. They love each other, – not as Romeo and Juliet, but in a much greater, more meaningful way… They show and demonstrate what love truly is.

Still living at home, most Saturday nights I join my parents for one of the highlights of our weekend, – that trip for an evening meal to Nandos, – a Peri-Peri chicken restaurant… and as far as I know, – the best chicken restaurant on the planet.

The Peri-Peri sauce can be doused on your chicken in three spicy variations: ‘medium’, ‘hot’ and ‘extra hot’, – yet none of these flavours can compare to the love of my parents.

You are probably thinking, oh, how romantic… an evening with candlelight… soft music playing in the background… star-lit sky…

None of the above… Nandos is a busy, semi-fast food restaurant that sells tasty chicken. There are no candle lit tables, the atmosphere is loud, and the starlit sky usually has a thick bandage of ‘overcast’ between us and it!

The truth is: love and romance is not reliant on the atmosphere that we are in, but instead the atmosphere we choose to make.

A Giving Heart

My mom loves carrot juice and since Nandos doesn’t sell carrot juice, my dad creates the ‘love’ atmosphere by occasionally disappearing to a nearby restaurant to buy some carrot juice and bringing it back to the restaurant we were in. My mom embellishes this ‘love’ atmosphere by holding his hand, conversing lovingly and showing him value.

It’s a sad misnomer that people assume true love is something they will one day find. True love is not something to go out into the world and search for. It is not found we meet our ‘perfectly’ compatible soul mate. That person does not exist!

Instead true love is something we give of our self and plant into another imperfect persons life to grow.

Laying Down our Life for One Another Creates True Love

True love is laying down our own life of ‘self’, ‘singleness’ and ‘independance’. We can then gift it to another person whom we ‘choose’ to love.

Jesus showed us what true love was by laying down His life for us.

“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35)

“This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:12-13)

My dad truly loves my mom and will go to the endth degree, just to buy her a gift he knows she loves – like carrot or pomegranate juice. She respects and values him, often giving up her own single life and wants to be there for him, to cook Him dinner, to iron His shirts. She will wake up early in the morning to make a smoothie for him and the family.

These are the actions of true love: To put one’s self out for another, to sacrifice our own wants and comforts for another, and to build ‘one’ life together.

I have lost count of the many dating and marriage relationships I have seen suffer, – and even fall apart. Sadly the main reason is because precious people do not realise that in order for a relationship to work, it requires two people selflessly giving up their previously single lives to become one team – for one reason: The glory of God!

We get so used to our single ‘fringe benefits’ life, that when God wants to move us on to another season of our lives with our one soul mate, we may kick and scream about it. We may enjoy the snow of winter so much that when beautiful spring comes along, it feels hot and claustrophobic.

My mom and dad are my heroes. Together they have one aim in life – to serve God together and see people transformed through the power of Jesus. They work as a team toward this goal. Anything or any person that drives them away from this team vision must be left behind for this sacred romance to continue.

Are they perfect? No! They mess up like all of us… but they know they need to focus on building up others in Christ, their own relationship, and their family through the power of Jesus.

They have had to make enormous decisions to keep this sacred romance alive. Whether it be travelling to another country, withdrawing from dangerous friends, or turning down amazing personal opportunities, – anything that drove a wedge into their sacred romance needed to be minimized.

Hard times provide an opportunities for true love to thrive!

True love does not require life to be easy-going in order to blossom. In fact, it will blossom in the most difficult circumstances. My parents had ten kids without fully considering the cost. Life was difficult at times on the small five acre plot of land where we had pet cows, chickens, and at times, very little money.

When my parents met, my mom sacrificed her aim of becoming a nurse for my father. She became a teacher instead. Later in life my dad gave up one of his life-long dreams for her.

They have lived in multiple countries and if I told you some of the harrowing experiences they have endured, you might wonder how on earth they are still together, in love, committed to each other, and God.

In difficult times, people don’t always agree. Whenever they allow their own wants or desires to dominate, true love disapears. When they are critical of each other, the relationship starts to wither. It is only when they sacrifice their own wants and speak the best of each other that this sacred romance can really thrive.

Sacrificing our own life to find the ‘Soul’ in Soul mate

How many dating/courting relationships do you know that are totally selfless?

It’s common for us to search for that person of our dreams who will sweep us off our feet.

Instead it is when ‘we’ selflessly sweep that ‘other’ person off their feet that we can ‘ourselves’ experience true love. When one person does all the sweeping off their feet, they get exhausted. When two people work as one team choosing to sweep each other off their feet, it is effortless and sheer bliss!

How many marriages do you know where both people choose to lay down their own wants for their mate? I think if we truly knew and acted out God’s selfless love, we wouldn’t have so many divorces and breakups.

True love is only to be found when we learn to truly give, to lay our lives down for those we say we love. For those of us that are unmarried, – it is up to us now to learn how to truly love selflessly with our friends, family and soul mate, – and in turn save our future marriage – before we even start courting!

Jesus showed us how to do it!

If we are truly Christian’s, we will give up our old lives and totally surrender them to live for Christ in His power. Only when we become nothing… and He becomes everything, can the power of the Christian life be experienced.

Paul likens the relationship of Christ and Christians to a husband and wife. A husband should sacrifice, give his all for his wife – just like Jesus, Paul says.

A wife in turn should submit to the Godly leadership of her husband, being cared for, giving up her own independence – just like Christian’s should give their all for Jesus.

I feel so sorry for the many guys and girls who see this true love as ‘control’. Instead its Gods way to a sacred romance, a fulfilling relationship that Jesus himself demonstrated to us.

God wants to give us the most amazing relationships with our soul mate that lead to a great marriage… but it is up to us to be willing to make it happen!

It is foolish to say we will only give up our independence and single life after we get married!

The truth is: Getting married doesn’t change much in a relationship, – other than the ability to have physical intimacy.

If we are in a serious dating relationship, we should be training ourselves to live as ‘one’ team for God’s glory – ahead of time.

Surrendering our Life to Jesus allows us to Sacrifice our Life for the Soul Mate He gives to us

We cannot give up our own selfish single lives for a soul mate until we truly come to the end of ourselves. The start of the journey is to make the decision to lose our life and find it in Christ.

Let’s be inspired today to selflessly surrender our own single, independent lives to God… – and only then we can selflessly lay our lives down for those that he puts in our life!

Let’s stop trying to find the right match and instead be the right match. If two people try to find the right match, – they can go through their whole lifetime searching for the perfect person who doesn’t exist.

If two people work to be the right match, that’s selfless, giving, – and it will last a lifetime when they find their ‘imperfect’ soul mate.

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
- William Shakespeare

__________________________________

Feel free to republish this article text in full with proper attribution, linking back to  www.SloppyNoodle.com

Non-quoted text is copyright Stephen Ernst, SloppyNoodle.com and generously licenced under a Creative Commons Licence.

Read in English / Ler em Portugues / Leer en Español

Girl –
I love him
I want him to be my first
He’s waited long enough
I don’t want to lose him

Guy—
I love her
We’ve been going out for a long time
I have needs
It’s time we took our relationship to the next level

Hey, why wait? Those are all some pretty good reasons to have sex. I mean, you could have said you want to have sex to use each other, or to give somebody else that lingering infection because you shouldn’t have to suffer alone, or even the old overused excuse, “everybody else is doing it!” But no, your reasons are pretty good, aren’t they? To go along with these carefully thought out reasons, here are some of the great “benefits” of getting sexually involved now, before you get married.

You’re going to get hurt

No matter how you look at it, even when you have good reasons to do it, premarital sex hurts…a lot. If you are a guy, you might think it’s just the girl who gets hurt, but you’re only partly right. The girl will get hurt, because she has this uncontrollable tendency to attach her heart to any guy she gives her body to, unless she’s already been made cold-hearted from the pain of offering her body to be used so many times that she doesn’t care anymore.

But as a guy, you will get hurt too. By indulging in non-committed sensual pleasures, you will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of comparisons that will hound your thoughts and make you unable to be content in your most valuable future earthly relationship—your marriage. The guilt you’ll have—and there is always guilt eventually—will eat you up so badly that you will be a target for addictions or avoidance that will prevent any true intimacy in this life.

Both you and your girl will be hurt in another way that you never anticipated. Someday, if you marry each other, she will likely have respect issues and resentment toward you for not valuing her body enough to protect her purity. How will this hurt you? Not only will you have to deal with a resentful wife, but sex will be the tool that she withholds from you. Then you will resent her and the vicious cycle begins.

Your future is going to get messed up

You already know that teens get pregnant, teens get abortions, and teens get STD’s. Those are all ways that your life can get messed up now and stay that way for a long time. But other long term effects are hard to measure. If you sleep together now and end up getting married, it’s likely from all the statistics that you won’t stay married. And let me tell you from experience, divorce is one of the hardest things you will ever try to survive on this earth. When you split the lives and history you’ve built together, it’s like your heart has been ripped in two. If you have kids together, double the pain. The Bible says that when you got married, you became ONE flesh. The only way to separate one flesh is to rip it in half, leaving gaping, bleeding wounds.

God is going to get pushed out of your life

There’s no way around it. When you are living to please yourself and ignoring God, He isn’t going to force Himself on you. That means that you aren’t going to have His help, His encouragement, His direction, or His awesome plans working out in your life. You might think you’re having fun for awhile, but eventually, living for yourself is going to hurt. You will end up lonely, depressed, hopeless, purposeless, and passionless. That’s because you can’t ignore God for long and enjoy your life. You can try, but you will never be peaceful or satisfied. It is impossible. The Bible says in Romans 8:7, 8, “If your sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace. For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. (NLT)”

Something better than “good”

Oh, oh…those good reasons to have sex don’t look so good anymore. Thank goodness that there are some even better reasons not to have sex. The better reasons are so much better for you and your future, that they reveal an amazing truth: Your “good” reasons to have sex now, instead of waiting until you are married, are actually bad reasons.

Remember that God loves you and only wants the best for you. His directions for you to stay pure are not to keep something from you, but to help you experience the very best He has to offer. He’s the one who created love and sex. Follow His directions for using it and it will be the best it can be.

4 Tips To choose “Better”

1. Never rely on your feelings when making decisions. Feelings change from day to day and living by them will get you into trouble. They can’t be trusted. God’s unchanging truth in His Word and wise counsel from mature believers will help you make good decisions.

2. Never believe anyone who is trying to get you to violate your relationship with God. If a guy promises he will marry you someday to get you into bed, tell him that “someday” will never happen and say goodbye. He isn’t interested in your heart; he only wants your body. If a girl is trying to entice you with sexy clothes and behavior, she is a trap and the best way out is to do what vigilant young men of the Bible did: run away fast!

3. Guys: Always remember that sex is not love and it doesn’t prove your love. What proves your love is when you sacrifice your selfish desires that hurt your relationship with God or the well-being of a girl whose purity you are supposed to protect. Be a man and say no to sex. Any animal can say yes but it takes a real man to say no and wait.

4. Girls: Always put your security in Jesus alone. You don’t need a guy to be complete and happy. You will only find the wrong kind of guy with that attitude and you will end up more alone and more unhappy than ever. And if you are trying to get a guy to sleep with you so that you can manipulate him into staying with you, it won’t work. You will be the loser in this game.

Reprinted with permission of Julie Ferwerda

Visit Julie Ferweda’s Web site at www.julieferwerda.com

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In our world today there is an epidemic of divorce, anger, and fighting in the home. God hates divorce and is the Creator of marriage and family. He left us his word, so we would learn how to be loving, giving, and forgiving.

Many search for love and marry thinking they will have someone who will make them happy…but true happiness comes only from God and living a life that is in his will.

Marriage means committment, hard work, and submitting to one another in love.

The Bible says…

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1 (NLV)

This means, that we as women were created to be builders of our home in word and deed.

As a child growing up, my mother had a full time job, so it was my job to take care of my brother, prepare the meals, clean the house, and do yard work.

My parents showed me by example, that work was important to God and having peace within our family.

One of the top things that please a man is coming home to a sanctuary of peace, a clean home, and a good meal.

In striving for woman’s equality, we’ve forgotten to teach women how to be godly wives and mothers.

Titus 2:3-5 (NIV) says…

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

My Story

Many years ago, I was working 60-70 hours a week. My house and marriage was in total chaos, and I was experiencing horrible depression.

In striving to be rich and have a career, I almost lost my husband and sanity. I became very ill, and eventually was forced to leave my job. I felt like a total failure and spent much of my days in a pity party.

My health continued to decline, and I went to various doctors searching for answers. I was diagnosed with asthma and told I was allergic to dust. My hands and feet were turning black, and I was told I had a circulation disease.

Soon I was on about 7 medications, but my health did not improve.

Several years later, God began to teach me through the scriptures that I needed to get my house in order.

At first I was so sick, that I could only clean for a few minutes at a time… but as I prayed to our LORD for strength, he helped me to clean up the mess and rebuild my home and marriage.

As I cleaned, I realized my house had been taken over by dust bunnies, and I was very ashamed of how I had neglected my home and family.

When I got rid of the dust and filth, my health began to improve and I was able to go off almost all of the medication.

Beloved, today you may be suffering from sickness or depression. God loves you and wants to help you rebuild your health, home, and family.

The Bible gives us practical advise to help us solve our problems and bring peace and hope into our lives.

The same God who helped me, is waiting with open arms to help you through whatever you’re facing.

You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!

Father how greatful we are for your words of wisdom to help us cope and become godly men and women. Many are facing health or marital problems and they need your loving hand of hope to help them rebuild their lives, homes, and families. If you are for us, no one can stand against us.

For every house is built by someone, but He who built all things is God.  – Hebrews 3:4 (NKJV)

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Edited by SloppyNoodle.com

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” – Proverbs 4:23

Throughout the years, we’ve realized that one of the most intense struggles people encounter is the problem of emotional dependency. Emotional dependency can range from a powerful romantic attachment to another person to a platonic friendship that has become too ingrown and possessive. Several months ago, the San Rafael Love in Action staff conducted a special meeting to research the subject of emotionally dependent relationships. The results of that meeting, plus insight gained through our counseling experience, are reflected in this three-part article. Part 1 defines the problem and looks at some of the set-ups that lead to dependent relationships.

Part 1

Mary had spent long hours with Sarah, counseling her and helping her through the struggles of being a new Christian. They seemed to have a great friendship with lots of common interests and a mutual love for the Lord. Sarah felt Mary understood her better than anyone ever had. Even Sarah’s husband, Bill, couldn’t provide her with the closeness she experienced with Mary. Mary and her husband, Tom, had a fulfilling marriage, but Tom’s sales career kept him away from home often. A loving person, Mary willingly invested her time and caring in Sarah, who really seemed to need her. It was rewarding for Mary to see Sarah growing the Lord, and she enjoyed Sarah’s obvious admiration.

The shock came when Mary and Sarah found themselves emotionally and physically involved with each other. Neither woman had ever been aware of homosexual feelings before. Both of them loved God and cared for their husbands. Their friendship had appeared to be Christ-centred, as they frequently prayed and read the Bible together. If what they were doing was wrong, why hadn’t God stopped them? Why hadn’t they seen the danger signals along the way? Now that they were so closely involved, they couldn’t imagine being apart. “What are we going to do?”, they wondered.

What Is Emotional Dependency?

Long before Mary and Sarah were involved homosexually, they’d entered into an emotionally dependent relationship. Emotional dependency, as we’ve defined it, is:

• the condition resulting when the on-going presence and/or nurturing of another is believed necessary for personal security.

This nurturing comes in many different forms of input from one person’s life into another:

• attention,
• listening,
• admiration,
• counsel,
• affirmation, and
• time spent together.

Emotionally dependent relationships may appear harmless or even healthy at first, but they can lead to destruction and bondage greater than most people can imagine. Whether or not physical involvement exists, sin enters the picture when a friendship becomes a dependent relationship. To differentiate between the normal interdependency that happens in wholesome relationships and an unhealthy dependency, we’ll look at the factors that make up dependent relationships: how and why they get started and how they are maintained.

Characteristics of a Dependent Relationship.

We all have a deep need, placed in us by God, for intimate friendships. How do we know when we’re meeting this need legitimately? Is there some way to recognize when we’ve crossed the line into dependency? Here are some signs that an emotional dependency has started:

When either party in a relationship:

• experiences frequent jealously, possessiveness and a desire for exclusivism, viewing other people as a threat to the relationship.
• prefers to spend time alone with this friend and becomes frustrated when this doesn’t happen.
• becomes irrationally angry or depressed when this friend withdraws slightly.
• loses interest in friendships other than this one.
• experiences romantic or sexual feelings leading to fantasy about this person.
• becomes preoccupied with this person’s appearance, personality, problems and interests.
• is unwilling to make short or long range plans that don’t include the other person,
• is unable to see the other’s faults realistically.
• becomes defensive about the relationship when asked about it.
• displays physical affection beyond that which is appropriate for a friendship.
• refers frequently to the other in conversation; feels free to “speak for” the other.
• exhibits an intimacy and familiarity with this friend that causes others to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in their presence.

How Does a Dependent Relationship Differ from a Healthy Friendship?

A healthy relationship is free and generous. Both friends are eager to include others in their activities. They experience joy when one friend hits it off with another. In a good friendship, we desire to see our friend reach his or her full potential, developing new interests and skills. A dependent relationship is ingrown, creating mutual stagnation and limiting personal growth. In normal relationships, we are affected by things our friends say and do, but our reactions are balanced. When we’re emotionally dependent, a casual remark from our friend can send us into the heights of ecstasy or the pits of grief. If a close friend moves away, it is normal for us to feel sorrow and a sense of loss. If one of the partners in a dependent relationship moves, the other is gripped with anguish, panic and desperation. A healthy friendship is joyful, healing, and upbuilding; an emotional dependency produces bondage.

Set-ups for Emotional Dependency.

Emotional dependency comes as a surprise to most people. Like Mary and Sarah, they don’t see the problem coming until it has hold of them. However, dependencies don’t happen in a vacuum. Definite elements in our personalities and situations can set us up for binding relationships. Sins and hurts from the past leave us vulnerable, too. Having an awareness of these set-ups helps us to know when we need to exercise special caution in our relationships.

Personality Set-ups: Who Is Susceptible?

Anyone can fall into a dependent relationship given the right pressures and circumstances. However, there are a few common personality patterns that consistently gravitate towards each other to form dependencies. The basic combination seems to be the individual who appears to “have it all together” teamed up with one who needs the attention, protection or strength the other offers. Variations on this theme include:

• counsellor / person with problems
• “in control” person / one who needs direction
• parent / child
• teacher / student.

Although these pairs appear to include one strong person and one needy person, they actually consist of two needy people. The “strong” one usually has a deep need to be needed. As often as not, the one who appears weaker actually controls the relationship. We’ve talked with people who have been “weak” in one relationship and “strong” in another, and sometimes these elements aren’t apparent at all. A balanced friendship can turn into a dependent relationship if other set-ups are present.

Situational Set-ups: When Are We Most Vulnerable?

Certain times in our lives find us feeling insecure, ready to grasp hold of whatever security is available to us. Some of these times include:

• Life crises – relationship break-up, death of someone close, loss of job.
• Transition periods – adjusting to new job, moving to new home, getting engaged or being newly married, starting university, becoming a Christian.
• Peak pressure periods – final examinations week, deadlines at work, personal or family illness, holidays such as Christmas.
• When we’re away from the familiar and secure – vacation, camp, conferences, prison, military service.

We’re also vulnerable during times of boredom or depression. The best way to avoid trouble is to recognize our need for special support during these times and plan ahead for these needs to be met in healthy ways. These might include sharing our burdens with a small prayer group, scheduling a series of appointments with a counsellor or pastor, increasing our contact with family members and most important, cultivating our relationship with Jesus through special quiet times. Also, there’s nothing wrong with letting our friends know we need their support! Problems only develop when we lean too much on one particular friend to meet all our needs.

Roots: Why Are We Prone to Dependency?

In a dependent relationship, one or both people are looking to a person to meet their basic needs for love and security, rather than to Jesus. Unless underlying spiritual and emotional problems are resolved, this pattern will continue unbroken. Typical root problems that promote dependency include:

• covetousness, which is desiring to possess something (or someone) God has not given us
• idolatry, which results when a person or thing is at the centre of our lives rather than Christ
• rebellion, which is refusing to surrender areas of our lives to God, and
• mistrust, failing to believe God will meet our needs if we do things His way.

Sometimes hurts from our past leave us with low self-esteem, feelings of rejection and a deep unmet need for love. Bitterness or resentment toward those who have hurt us also open us up for wrong relationships. These sins and hurts need to be confessed and healed before real freedom can be experienced. This can happen through confession and prayer, both in our personal times with the Lord and with other members of the body of Christ.

Emotional dependency is a painful thing to discuss. Most of us have experienced this problem. None of us are exempt from the temptation to draw our life and security from another person, especially when that person is handy and cooperative. Dependent relationships can form in opposite and same sex friendships. They can happen between married couples and between parents and children. But in the heart of the Gospel, there’s a message of truth that can free us from self-seeking relationships. For a lot of us, that really is good news!

Part 2

“All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weights the heart” – Proverbs 21:2

Next, we explore the role manipulation plays in these relationships, plus a look at some reasons why emotional dependencies are hard to break.

Maintenance through Manipulation.

Manipulation is an ugly word. None of us likes to believe we could ever be guilty of this activity. Yet when emotionally dependent relationships form, manipulation often becomes the glue that holds them together.

To explain what we mean by manipulation, we came up with a working definition:

“attempting to control people or circumstances through deceptive or indirect means”.

Webster’s Dictionary describes manipulation as being insidious, which means:

• treacherous – awaiting a chance to entrap.
• seductive – harmful but enticing.
• subtle – developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent, having a gradual but cumulative effect.

Some typical forms of manipulation used to begin and maintain dependencies:

• Finances – combining finances and personal possessions, moving in together.
• Gifts – giving gifts and cards regularly for no special occasion, such as flowers, jewelry, baked goods, and gifts symbolic of the relationship.
• Clothes – wearing each others’ clothing, copying each others’ styles.
• Romanticisms – using poetry, music, or other romanticisms to provoke an emotional response.
• Physical affection – body language, frequent hugging, touching, roughhousing, back and neck rubs, tickling, and wrestling.
• Eye contact – staring, giving meaningful or seductive looks; refusing to make eye contact as a means of punishment.
• Flattery and praise – “You’re the only one who understands me.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Proverbs 29:5 says “Whoever flatters his neighbour is spreading a net for his feet.”

• Conversational triggers – flirting, teasing, using special nicknames, referring to things that have special meaning to both of you.
• Failing to be honest – repressing negative feelings or differing opinions.
• Needing “help” – creating or exaggerating problems to gain attention and sympathy.
• Guilt – making the other feel guilty over unmet expectations: “If you love me, then … “

“I was going to call you last night, but I know you’re probably too busy to bother with me.”

• Threats – threats of suicide and backsliding can be manipulative.
• Pouting, brooding, cold silences – when asked, “What’s wrong”, replying by sighing or saying, “Nothing”.
• Undermining partner’s other relationships – convincing him others do not care about him, making friends with partner’s other friends in order to control the situation.
• Provoking insecurity – withholding approval, picking on partner’s weak points, threatening to end the relationship.
• Time – keeping the other’s time occupied so as not to allow for separate activities.

These are common ways manipulation is used to hold dependent relationships together. Some of these things are not sinful in and of themselves. Honest praise and encouragement, giving of gifts, hugging and touching are important aspects of godly friendship. Only when these things are used for selfish ends — to bind or control another, to arouse responses leading to sin — do they become manipulative.

Why Are Dependencies Hard To Break?

Even when both parties realize a relationship is unhealthy, they may experience great difficulty in breaking the dependency. Often those involved will begin to separate, only to run back to each other. Even after dependencies are broken, the effects may linger on for some time. Let’s look at some reasons why these attachments are so persistent.

There are benefits.

We usually don’t involve ourselves in any kind of behaviour if we don’t believe it benefits us in some way. As painful as dependency is, it does give us some gratification. The fear of losing this gratification makes dependent relationships hard to give up. Some of the perceived benefits of an emotional dependency include:

• Emotional security – A dependent relationship gives us the sense that we have at least one relationship we can count on. This gives us a feeling of belonging to someone.

• Intimacy – Our need for intimacy, warmth, and affection might be filled through this relationship.

• Self worth – Our ego is boosted when someone admires us or is attracted to us. We also appreciate feeling needed.

• Relief from boredom – A relationship like this might add excitement and romance when life seems dull otherwise. In fact, the stressful ups and downs of the relationship can become addictive.

• Escape from responsibility – The focus on maintaining the relationship can provide an escape from confronting personal problems and responsibilities.

• Familiarity – Many people don’t know any other way of relating. They are afraid to give up the “known” for the “unknown”.

We can’t see it as sin.

The culture we live in has taken the truth that “God is love” and turned it around to mean, “Love is god”. In modern history, romantic or emotional love is viewed as a law unto itself: when you “love” someone (meaning: when you have intense romantic feelings for someone), anything you do with that person is “OK”. Viewed in this light, dependent relationships seem beautiful and noble. Especially if there is no sexual involvement, dependent attachments are easy to rationalize. Genuine feelings of love and friendship might be used to excuse the intense jealously and possessiveness present in the dependency.

Also, we may not be able to see how a dependent relationship separates us from God. “I pray more than ever”, one woman told us. What she didn’t mention was that she never prayed about anything but her dependent relationship. Sometimes people say, “This friend draws me even closer to God.” What usually has happened is that the emotional dependency has given them a euphoric feeling that masquerades as “closeness to God”. When the friend withdraws even slightly, God suddenly seems far away!

Root problems are not dealt with.

We might end a dependent relationship by breaking it off or moving away. However, if we still have unhealed hurts, unfilled needs, or an unrepentant heart, we’ll fall right into another dependent relationship or return to the one we left. Dealing with the surface symptom rather than the real problem leaves the door open to future stumbling.

Spiritual influences are overlooked.

When we ignore the Holy Spirit’s correction, we make ourselves vulnerable to satanic oppression. Those who willingly enter dependent relationships become candidates for spiritual deception. Wrong begins to seem right to them and truth begins to sound like a lie. When breaking free from dependent relationships, we sometimes overlook the importance of spiritual warfare: prayer, fasting and deliverance. If emotional ties have gone deep into a person’s life, especially if sexual sin has been involved, there’s the need to break the bonds that have formed between the two people. When dependency has been a lifelong pattern, ties need to be broken with all past partners as well, If the spiritual aspects are not dealt with thoroughly, this sin pattern will continue.

We don’t want to give up our sin.

Counsellors know the frustration of going through all imaginable steps of counselling, support, and spiritual warfare on behalf of a counsellee only to realize this individual has no interest in changing. People in dependent relationships sometimes say they want out, but they really want to be relieved from the responsibility of doing anything about the problem. They hope talking to a counsellor will free them from the pressures of their conscience. Meanwhile, their desire and intent is to continue having the dependent relationship. Sometimes the bottom line is this: an emotional dependency is hard to break because the individuals involved don’t want it to be broken.

Part 3

“For you were once in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light, for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true, and find out what pleases the Lord.” Ephesians 5:8-10

The conclusion of this three-part article on “Emotional Dependency” brings relief to our readers: there is freedom from emotional dependency! Healing for this sin that so deeply affects our ability to relate to others is found through right relationship with Christ and the members of His body. In exploring “The Path Out of Dependency”, we look at suggestions coming directly from Christians who’ve battled this sin, yet now are learning to enjoy relationships that reflect God’s design and intent.

The Path Out of Dependency.

The tendency to draw our life and security from another human being is a problem nearly everyone faces. However, it’s only after we encounter repeated frustration and sorrow in emotionally dependent relationships that we hunger for something more satisfying. We long to find contentment and rest in our relationships with others, but how do we break the old patterns?

Before we start exploring the different elements in overcoming dependency, we need to grasp an important truth: there is NO FORMULA that leads us to a transformed life. Lifelong tendencies towards dependent relationships can’t be changed by following “ten easy steps”. Jesus Christ desires to do an intimate and unique work within each of us by the power of His Holy Spirit. Change will come as we submit to Him and cooperate with that work. The guide-lines we’re considering here illustrate ways God has worked in various people’s lives to bring them out of emotional dependency. Some of the suggestions apply to gaining freedom from a specific relationship, others pertain to breaking lifelong patterns. All represent different aspects of a whole picture: turning away from forms of relationship rooted in our sin nature and learning new ways of relating based on our new natures in Christ.

Elements In Overcoming Emotional Dependency

Making a commitment to Honesty.

In the second part of this series, we covered some reasons why dependencies are hard to break. One reason was that as a result of the deception that sets in, we can’t see dependency as sin. This deception is broken when we are honest with ourselves, admitting we’re involved in a dependent relationship and acknowledging our dependency as sin. Then we’re ready for honesty with God, confessing our sin to Him. We don’t have to hide our confusion, our anger, or any of our feelings, we just need to pour out our hearts to Him, asking Him to give us the willingness to obey His will in this matter. The next challenge is being honest with another person. We can seek out a mature brother or sister in Christ and confess to them, “Look I’m really struggling with my feelings towards my partner on the evangelism team. I’m getting way too attached to her. Could you pray with me about this?” As we “walk in the light” in this way, we can be cleansed and forgiven. If we’re aware of specific ways we’ve manipulated circumstances to promote the dependent relationship, we can ask forgiveness for these actions, too. The deeper the honesty, the deeper the cleansing we’ll receive. In choosing someone to share with, the best choice is a stable, trustworthy Christian who is not emotionally involved in the situation. This person can then intercede for us in prayer and hold us accountable, especially if we give them freedom to periodically ask us “how things are going”. Extreme caution needs to be used in sharing our feelings with the one we’re dependent on. At Love In Action, San Rafael, we’ve seen regretful results when one brother (or sister) has shared with another in an intimate setting, “Hey, I’m really attracted to you. I think I’m getting dependent”. It’s better to seek the counsel and prayer of a spiritual elder before even considering this step, and even then, we need to ask the Lord to shine His light on our motives.

Introducing Changes in Activities: Gradual Separation.

Whether the dependency has been mutual or one-sided, we usually begin to plan our lives around the other person’s activities. In dealing with dependent relationships in Love in Action, San Rafael, we don’t advocate the idea of totally avoiding another member of the body of Christ. However, we do recognize that a “parting of the ways” is necessary in breaking dependency. For example, we don’t recommend that a person stop attending church just because the other person will be there. But we do know that placing ourselves unnecessarily in the presence of the person we’re dependent on will only prolong the pain and delay God’s work in our lives.

Allow God To Work.

This sounds so obvious, but it’s not as easy as it seems! After we confess to God that we’re hopelessly attached to this individual and are powerless to do anything about it, we invite Him to come in and “change the situation”. The Lord never ignores a prayer like this. Some people begin to confront us about this relationship, but we assure them we have it all under control. Our friend decides to start going to a different Bible study, and soon we find a good reason to switch to the same one. The Holy Spirit nudges us to get rid of certain record albums, but we keep forgetting to do it. We ask God to work in our lives, but then we do everything in our power to make sure He doesn’t! I’ve learned from my own experience that thwarting God’s attempts to take someone out of my life only produces prolonged unrest and agony. Cooperation with the Holy Spirit brings the quickest possible healing from broken relationships.

Preparing for Grief and Depression.

Letting go of a dependent relationship can be a painful as going through a divorce. If we acquaint ourselves with the grief process and allow ourselves to hurt for a season, our healing will come faster. If we repress our pain and deny ourselves the time we need to recover, we’ll carry around unnecessary guilt and bitterness. Some people have said that they found the Psalms to be especially comforting during this time of “letting go”.

Cultivate Other Friendships.

Even if it’s difficult, scary, and our hearts are not in it … we need to do it. Our feelings will catch up later, and we’ll be glad we’ve made the investment in the lives of our new friends. The Lord will choose relationships for us if we’ll let Him. Willingness to accept the friends He gives us will deepen our relationship with Him as well. He knows just the relationships we need to draw out our special qualities and chip off our rough edges.

Discover God’s Vision for Relationships.

If we love another person as God loves him, we’ll desire to see that man (or women) conformed to the image of Christ. The Lord wants to bring forth qualities in us that reflect His character and gifts that enable us to do His work. In a recent issue of the Desert Stream newsletter, Andy Comiskey said,”At the onset of any friendship, we must choose a motivation. Either we mirror a friend’s homosexual desirability or his/her new identity in Christ. This may sound tough, but our willingness to be disciplined emotionally might just make or break a friendship. When we exchange another’s best interests for our own neediness, we run the risk of losing the friendship.” If we desire an exclusive emotional involvement with this friend, then our desires are in conflict with what the Lord wants. We need to ask ourselves, “Am I working with God or Against Him in the person’s life?

Resolve The Deeper Issues.

The compulsion to form dependent relationships is a symptom of deeper spiritual and emotional problems that need to be faced and resolved. Self analysis is the least effective way to uncover these problems. The most effective way is to go directly to Jesus and ask Him to show us what’s wrong. “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, Who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5) Another effective way is to go to those God has placed in positions of authority over us and submit to their counsel and prayer. For some, a long-term counseling relationship will help us face the sins we need to repent of and the hurts that need healing. For others, a small covenant group that meets regularly for deep sharing and prayer will help tremendously. Sometimes personal prayer and fasting draws us to God and breaks sin bondages in a way nothing else will. The desire to find our identity and security in another human being is a common sin problem with a myriad of possible causes. Confession, repentance, deliverance, counseling, and inner healing are means the Lord will use to bring purity and emotional stability into our lives. The healing and forgiveness we need are ours through Jesus’ atonement. We can receive them by humbling ourselves before Him and before others in His body.

Prepare For The Long Haul.

Sometimes victory escapes us because we prepare for a battle rather than a war. Whether we are trying to gain freedom from a specific attachment or from lifelong patterns of dependency, we need to prepare for long-term warfare. We need to know ourselves: our vulnerabilities, the types of personalities we are likely to “fall for”, the times when we need to be especially careful. We need to know our adversary: know the specific lies Satan is likely to tempt us with and be prepared to reject those lies, even when they sound good to us! More than anything, we need to know our Lord. We need to be willing to believe God loves us. Even if we cannot seem to feel His love, we can take a stand by faith that He does love us and begin to thank Him for this fact. As we learn of God’s character through His Word, we can relinquish our images of Him as being cruel, distant, or unloving. A love relationship with Jesus is our best safeguard against emotionally dependent relationships.

Is There Life After Dependency?

Though overcoming dependence may be painful for a season, it is one of the most curable ailments known to man. Often people are so healed that they cannot even conceive of the extent of their former bondage to dependent relationships. The immediate reward in giving up a dependent relationship is peace with God. Even in the midst of pain over the loss of the dependency, we experience peace, relief, and joy as our fellowship with God is restored. “It’s like waking up after a bad dream” one woman told us.

Peace with ourselves is another blessing we receive. It’s much easier to like ourselves when we are not scheming and striving to maintain a relationship we know God does not desire for us. When we have relinquished a dependent attachment, we are no longer tormented with fear of losing the relationship. This, too, brings peace to our hearts.

In the aftermath of dependency, we discover a new freedom to love others. We are members of one another in the body of Christ. When our attentions and affections are wrapped up totally in one individual, other people in our lives are suffering for it. They are not receiving the love from us God intends them to have.

Individuals who have given up dependent relationships say they discover a new caring and compassion for people that’s not based on sexual or emotional attraction. They find they are less critical of people and less defensive. They begin to notice that their lives are founded on the real security found through their relationship with Christ, not the false security of a dependent relationship.

And, finally, overcoming dependency brings us a freedom to minister to others. We can only lead others where we have been willing to go ourselves. When we are no longer rationalizing wrong attachments, we have new liberty in the Spirit to exhort and encourage others! Our discernment becomes clearer, and spiritual truth is easier to understand and accept. We become clean vessels, fit for the Lord’s use.

In our desire to remain free from this problem, we need to remember that hiding from people is not the alternative to dependency. Dependency is a subtle counterfeit to the tremendously rich and fulfilling relationship the Lord intends for us to have through Him. If we are trying to overcome the sin of dependency, let’s remember that Jesus is not harsh with us. He will teach us to love people in a holy way, and He knows that this takes time. There is a battle between the flesh and the spirit in every way of our lives – relationships are no exception. But Jesus is the one who is bringing His body together, and we are learning.

“I am confident of this: that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6)

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Recommended resources:

Emotional Dependency (Single Pack)

Longing for Daddy: Healing from the Pain of an Absent or Emotionally Distant Father

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Relacionamentos Realidade: Um chuta na bunda para os garotos e um manual de instruções para as garotas

Como segurar isso?

Então se você e um rapaz de sangue quente… um cara!

Se você e como a maioria dos rapazes sobre o planeta, você poderia tomar isso como elogio quando alguem de diz que você e um “homem de verdade”. Nos rapazes sabemos que somos homens, mas todos nos maravilhamos quando temos que mostrar o que e ser um homem de verdade. Profundo dentro de cada um existe uma insegurança dentro do coração de cada homem. Como rapazes nos ficamos geralmente assustados em mostrar o meu verdadeiro “eu”. Então colocamos uma fachada, – fingimos aquilo que esperam ser o ideal de masculinidade.

Ao invés de chegar ao fim de nos mesmos e deixar a identidade de Cristo definir nos como homens de Deus, nos olhamos para os Tom Cruises, John Waynes e James Bonds que são regra de modelos para o mundo.

Embaixo disso, nos temos medo de que alguem poderia perceber que nos não enquadramos no padrão requerido de masculinidade. Nos tentamos fazer nos mesmos parecer um homem de verdade. Nos estamos rodeados de “rapazes”. Nos tentamos parecer o que pensamos, agir como pensamos, e ser… Oh… tao legal!

Sim claro… e também há nossa sexualidade. Se Satanás não tivesse bagunçado nosso pensamento sobre mulheres, nos somos atraídos pelo sexo oposto. Apesar que eu deveria escrever me letras maiúsculas: ATRAIDOS! Nos sabemos que quando Deus fez a mulher, ele fez algo quase indescrevível. Uma bonita garota pode fazer com que um forte rapaz se derreta simplesmente com um olhar. A feminilidade , as curvas, oh… ok… não vamos continuar com isso!

Diante disso, Deus fez nos rapazes homens fortes. Ele nos fez para ser encantados pela beleza do corpo feminino com todo os seus mistérios e segredos. Esse e o sonho que deveríamos encontrar nossa esposa absolutamente irresistível e saborosa. Nos fomos amarrados de uma forma para que absolutamente babemos somente com um sinal de nossa esposas… e Deus pensa que isso e maravilhoso!

Deus criou a atracão sexual e pretendia que nos usássemos esses sentimos para algo maravilhoso, quente, sensual e que completasse o casamento. Infelizmente para nos rapazes solteiros – nos muitas vezes usamos a atracão sexual em razão de provar nossa masculinidade – antes do casamento.

Diante disso… E difícil que alguma coisa faca com que um homem possa sentir HOMEM o bastante quando sua vida sexual e plenamente ativa. E muito fácil usar a atracão sexual para afirmar sua masculinidade… mas se fazemos isso, isto vai chocar com aquilo que Deus esperava que a nossa sexualidade seja.

Não e o tempo para “estar chegando la”

você se considera um cristão? Você tem garotas que Deus tem colocado em sua vida? Posso eu ( como um solteiro ) encorajar você um pouco?

Comece a tratar as garotas em nossas vidas como nos realmente deveríamos: – irmas em Cristo e grandes amigas. Se você cresceu tendo uma irma você sabe do amor que Deus colocou no seu coração para protege-la.

Se algum rapaz se aproxima dela, você deixa claro! Você estar por perto… e ele sabe o porque!

As garotas que tem irmão sabem o que estou falando. As vezes ele e ativo, outras vezes você gostaria de ter nascido em uma família cheia de garotas!

Se você e um rapaz, Deus chamou você para ser um líder espiritual e inspiração para as garotas em sua vida. Ele colocou você la para proteger dos rapazes que poderiam quebrar o coração dela. Ele colocou você la para ajuda-la a crescer… para inspira-la a ser a princesa que Deus imaginou quando ele a criou.

Como rapazes cristão solteiros, nos precisamos ter essa atitude: vamos tentar tratar cada garota que venha ao nosso contato como nossas princesas, não como prostitutas.

Você conhece o sentimento, nos olhamos através da sala e pensamos: “Hummm ela e bonita” nos olhamos garotas imediatamente como alguem que nos poderíamos namorar noivar ou casar. Apenas deixe o tempo baixar suas testosteronas e conheça primeiro como amiga, vendo se ele e uma pessoa que Deus trouxe para sua vida para protege-la, ajuda-la e Crescer.

Esse e o momento que nos cristãos vemos nos mesmos como “verdadeiros irmãos” para nossas irmas em Cristo. Muitas vezes a diferença entre rapazes que consideram a si mesmos como cristãos, – E que não são… tentando tirar o máximo de satisfação no relacionamento, com isso corações são partidos e inocência perdida. Se o espirito de Cristo realmente vive em nos, temos a vontade de Deus para os nossos relacionamentos, ao invés de apenas nossos próprios desejos.

Jogando o snogging game…

Deus apenas não disse que nos não deveríamos ter sexo fora do casamento. Ele disse “ fuja das tentações desse mundo” . Ele vai alem e diz que nos deveríamos amar uns aos outros como Cristo nos amou. – isso e um desafio. Nos precisamos amar e sacrificar pelas garotas em nossas vida assim como Jesus nos amou. Por esta razão colocando nossas vidas para tratar ela como uma verdadeira princesa!

Em relatando a sua experiencia pessoal um rapaz me contou que ele teve “muito diversão” em seus relacionamentos anteriores – e quando acontecia a relação física, o relacionamento sempre terminava.

Os Limites que Deus nos da! Ele nos deu por uma razão! Ele sabia que a única forma que poderíamos ter um presente verdadeiro, puro, sincero romance com a pessoa que ele tem para nos. – ele nos deu limites para nos proteger de uma grande dor de cabeça.

As vezes estamos apenas beijando, e vai tudo dessa forma, o complemento sexual era a razão para o casamento. Fora do casamento a relação sexual pode destruir o relacionamento.

Deus não queria que o relacionamento explode – Ele quer que a luz brilhe e brilhe para a sua gloria.

A atracão sexual alem de uma grande amizade. Isso nunca pode substituir a amizade.

Seja o que for, beijando, acariciando, ou indo tudo dessa forma – você não pode imaginar a liberdade de um namoro com uma pessoa que deseja manter o relacionamento puro.

Quando as duas pessoas tem esse alto padrão eles podem encorajar um ao outro aprendendo da melhor experiencia de Deus! As coisas poderiam ser realmente tentadoras em um namoro normal e muito facil quando as duas pessoas estão apenas jogando jogos…

Eles dizem que todos os caminhos levam a Roma, Então se você não quer ir para Roma mantenha-se fora da estrada.

Se nos vemos garotas como objetos em nossas vidas para satisfação… alguem para estar beijando ou acariciando, nos estamos simplesmente usando elas… isso e como colegas de casa varrendo a lama para debaixo de um bonito carpete. Não diga que a ama se você não esta protegendo a inocência dela.

Jesus nos amou de mais que entregou a si mesmo para morrer pela punição das coisas que temos feito de errado, e os fez novas criaturas, se Cristo sendo ele mesmo, Então o que nos deveríamos ser.

Quando isso vem como expressão de nossos hormônios, – seja você mesmo e trate sua irma em cristo com todo respeito e cuidado, guardando corações, emoções, honra e pureza assim como Deus desejou.

Hormônios são bons para ser usados no casamento, – e não antes!

Fundamentos de uma amizade sem interesses

Meu tem dito: “não atenção sem intenção.”

Em outras palavras nos deveríamos mostrar a garota mas atenção do que qualquer outro amigo – sem olhar na possibilidade te algo com aquela pessoa no futuro. A cultura de hoje tem nos ensinado que a forma de conhecer uma garota e namorando ela, mostrando eles exclusiva atenção, recebendo todos os beijos e abraços ( isso e muito fácil e pode levar a muito mais ).

Muitas vezes no final pessoas jogam fora seus corações pelos outros eles não conhecem o verdadeiro amor. E os corações partidos são entregues a eles quando a relação não funciona bem como em suas fantasias.

Deus diz: “ não esteja dentro desse mundo de lama” a ordem do mundo e: seja egoísta e se divirta, isto e sobre mim. “ eu vou fazer isso enquanto for conveniente”.

Jesus disse: “não há amor maior do que entregar a sua vida em favor de seu semelhante”. João 15:13

Deus nos chama para honrar uns aos outros. Para “honrar” nossas princesas e dar a elas o devido valor.

Meu pai diz outro coisa poderosa: “ você precisa estar em um relacionamento para se colocar dentro de um relacionamento”, – não jogue isso fora.

Quando duas pessoas começam um relacionamento olhando que eles podem se colocar dentro, e quando o relacionamento funciona!

Quando temos amizades com garotas em nossas vidas, tratando elas como irmas em Cristo, encorajando a ir mais e mais perto de Cristo, sem retirar o foco delas de Deus se envolvendo em um quente relacionamento de Hollywood.

Na palavra de Deus: não há razão para um romance com uma garota, jogando com as emoções dela, roubando o coração, – sem ter uma clara intensão sobre o que você pensa disso, talvez essa garota poderia ser aquela que você deseja para entregar a ela – sua vida.

Isso parece muito estranho hoje no mundo individualista, mas Deus olha para nossos motivos.

Se você tem pureza de razão para seguir com eles, Então Deus vai abençoar nossos relacionamentos.

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Nota do Autor: I mostra uma visão muito forte de nao beijar antes do casamento neste artigo. No entanto eu percebo que há algumas pessoas que se beijam antes do casamento … mas não de uma maneira errada. Eu respeito as suas opiniões. Algumas pessoas também verdadeiramente mostrar o amor pelo toque físico … como abraços ou beijos curta …. sem segundas intenções. Diferentes pessoas têm diferentes pontos fortes e fracos. Este artigo não deve ser tomado de forma legalista. Em vez disso, devem ser tomados desta forma … para incentivar os padrões de Deus e respeito para as mulheres em nossas vidas. Toda mulher que Deus colocou em nossas vidas é especial. Eles são nossos irmãs … se estamos em um relacionamento com eles …. ou não. Devemos tratá-las especial … não com egoísmo. Precisamos também de se comportar de uma forma que evite ações que poderiam levar-nos a pecar. A definição deste é para você ser guiado pelo Espírito Santo, não seguir as minhas regras .. ou qualquer outra pessoa de regras … Apenas siga as regras de Deus.

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Feel free to republish this article text in full with proper attribution, linking back to this web site: www.SloppyNoodle.com

Non-quoted text is copyright Stephen Isaac, SloppyNoodle.com and generously licenced under a Creative Commons Licence.

Read article in Portugues / Leia este artigo em Portugues

Relationship Reality: A kick in the butt for guys and a handy reference guide for the girls

How’s it hanging?

So you’re a warm blooded male… a guy!

If you are like most guys on the planet, you would take it as a compliment when someone says that you are ‘a real man’. You see, us guys know we are male, but we all wonder if we have what it takes to be a real man. Deep inside there’s an insecurity inside every male heart. As guys, we are generally far too scared to let the real ‘me’ show, so we put on a facade, – a pretense and hope that we measure up to the ideal of manhood that’s expected of us.

Instead of coming to the end of ourselves and letting the identity of Christ define us as a man of God, we look to the Tom Cruises, John Waynes and James Bond’s of the world as our role models.

Down within, we are afraid somebody might notice we don’t measure up to the required standard of manhood. We try to make ourselves look like real men. We surround ourselves with ‘the lads’. We try to look tough, act tough, and be… oh… ever so cool!

Oh yeah… and then there’s our sexuality. If satan hasn’t messed up our thinking about women, we are attracted to the opposite sex. Perhaps I should write that in capitals: ATTRACTED! We know that when God made women, He made something almost indescribable. A beautiful girl can make the strongest of guys just woozy at the sight of her. The femininity, the curves, the…. okay… let’s not get too carried away!

Let’s face it: God made us guys hardcore male. He made us to be drawn to the beauty of the female body with all its mystery and allure. His dream for us was that we would find our wife to be absolutely irresistible and yummy. We were wired in such a way to absolutely drool at the sight of our wife… and God thinks it is great!

God created sexual attraction and intended us to use these feelings that for an amazing, hot, sexy and fulfilling marriage. Unfortunately for us single guys – we too often use sexual attraction in order to validate our manhood – before marriage.

Let’s face it… there’s hardly anything that makes a man feel MANLY quite like when his sex drive is turned on. It’s easy to use that sexual attraction to affirm our masculinity… but if we do, it will wreck what God intended sexuality to be.

It’s not time to “get in there!”

Do you call yourself a Christian? Do you have girls that God has placed in your life? Can I (as a fellow single guy) encourage you a little bit?

Lets treat the girls in our life like we should: – sisters in Christ and great friends. If you grew up with a sister you will know the passion God has put in your heart to protect her.

If any guy comes near her, you make it clear! – You are around!… and he knows why!

The girls who have a brother know what I’m talking about. Sometimes he is an asset, other times you just wish that you were born in family full of girls!

If you are a guy, God has called you to be a spiritual leader and inspiration to the girls in your life. He put you there to protect them from guys that would break her heart. He put you there to build her up… to inspire her to be all the Princess that God intended when he first created her.

As Christian single guys, we need to have this attitude: Let’s endeavour to treat every girl we come in contact with as our Princess, not our prostitute.

You know the feeling, you look across the room and think: “hmmm, she’s QUITE nice”. We see girls immediately as somebody we would like to date, court or marry. That’s just the time to let the testosterone settle and get to know her as a friend first, seeing her as someone God has brought across into our lives to help protect and build up.

It’s about time that we as Christians see ourselves as ‘true brothers’ to our sisters in Christ. Too often there is no difference between guys who call themselves Christians, – and those who don’t… Trying to get as much satisfaction from a relationship, regardless of whose hearts are broken or innocence betrayed. If the spirit of Christ really lives inside us, we have God’s desires for our relationships, instead just of our own fleshly desires.

Playing the snogging game…

God doesn’t only say we shouldn’t have sex outside of marriage. He says “run away from all youthful lust”. He goes even further to say we should love one another as Christ loved us. WOW – what a challenge. We need love and sacrifice for the girls in our lives just as Christ loved us. That means laying down our lives to treat her like a true Princess!

In relating his personal experience one guy told me that he had ‘too much fun’ in his previous relationships – once things got physical, the relationship was always over.

Boundaries are God-given! He gave us them for a reason! He knew that’s the only way we could have the gift of true, pure, sizzling romance with the person He has for us. – He gave us boundaries to protect us from a lot of heartache.

Whether we are just kissing, or going all the way, sexual fulfillment was meant for marriage. Outside of marriage, sexual satisfaction can destroy the relationship.

God didn’t intend relationships to explode – He intended them to burn brighter and brighter for His glory.

Sexual attraction is an addition to a great friendship. It can never replace friendship.

Whatever it is, kissing, petting, snogging, or going all the way – you can not imagine the freedom to date or court a person who wants to keep the relationship pure.

When both people have high standards they can encourage each other and learn to experience God’s best! Things that would usually be temptations in regular dating relationships are quite easy to avoid if two are playing the game…

They say all roads lead to Rome, – so if you don’t wish to go to Rome, stay off all roads!

If we view the girls in our lives as cuddly objects to give us satisfaction… someone for kissing, petting and snogging, we are simply ‘using’ them… its like going to a buddies house and wiping your muddy feet over their beautiful white carpet. Don’t tell her you love her if you are not willing to protect her innocence.

Jesus loved us soooo much that he selflessly died to take our punishment for the things we had done wrong, and make us totally new creations. If Christ was selfless, so should we be.

When it comes to expressing our hormones, – lets be selfless and treat our sisters in Christ with utmost respect and care, guarding their hearts, emotions, honour and purity as it is were God’s.

Hormones are great to be used in marriage, – not before!

Foundation of selfless friendship

My dad has a saying: “No attention without Intention”.

In other words we shouldn’t be showing a girl more attention than any other friend – unless we are looking pursue a future with that person (i.e. Marriage). In today culture we are taught the way you get to know girls is to date them, show them exclusive attention, get all kissy and huggy (which can also very easily lead to more).

The end result of this is often people giving their hearts away to others they do not know or truly love. In turn broken hearts are handed back to them when the relationships don’t work out as they fantasized.

God says: “Don’t fit into this worlds mould”. The world says: “Be selfish, have fun, it’s about me. I’ll be in it as long as its convenient for me.”

Jesus said: “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13

God calls us to honor each other. To ‘honor’ our Princess means to ‘place a high value on them’.

My dad has another really powerful saying: “you need to go into a relationship to put into the relationship, – not take out of it.”

When two people go into a relationship seeing what they can put in, that’s when a relationship works!

When we have friendships with the girls in our life – with the purpose of building them up – WOW, thats how to build a lasting relationship that lasts a lifetime.

Lets get to know girls, be friends with girls, treat them like sisters in Christ, encourage each other on to more in Christ, rather than take our focus off God and get involved in the steamy Hollywood dating scene.

In Gods world, there is no reason to romance a girl, play with her emotions, take her heart, – unless there is a clear intention that you think this may be girl that you may wish to commit to – for life.

I know some of this sounds really strange in today’s self-obsessed world, but God looks at our motives.

If we have pure motives and follow up on them, then God will bless our relationships!

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Authors note: I shown a very strong view of kissing before marriage in this article. However I do realise that there are some people who kiss before marriage… but not in a wrong way. I respect their views. Some people also genuinely show love by physical touch… such as hugs or short kisses…. without ulterior motives. Different people have different strengths and weaknesses. This article should not be taken in a legalistic way. Instead it should be taken in this way… to encourage God’s standards and respect for the women in our lives. Every woman that God has put in our lives is special. They are our sisters… if we are in a relationship with them…. or not. We should treat them special… not with selfishness. We also need to behave in a way that avoids actions that could cause us to sin. The definition of this is for you to be led by the Holy Spirit, not to follow my rules.. or anyone else’s rules… Only follow God’s rules…

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Feel free to republish this article text in full with proper attribution, linking back to this web site: www.SloppyNoodle.com

Non-quoted text is copyright Stephen Isaac, SloppyNoodle.com and generously licenced under a Creative Commons Licence.