“Search me O God and know my heart. Try me and know my
anxious thoughts. See if there be any hurtful way in me and
lead me in the everlasting way.” Amen. Psalm
This is a verse I pray everyday. The past couple of weeks the Lord has been bringing more wrong perceptions of Him to the surface of my heart. Over the years, I have invested a lot of work in counceling trying not to see my Heavenly Father the way I see my Earthly Father. In the past I have been so angry – even rageful — at the Lord. Felt so abandoned and rejected by Him. Not one of these perceptions is part of God’s character, yet to me they felt very true and real.
I was not expecting another layer of anger to surface. I thought I was done with that topic. Here is what transpired: I met a Christian woman in the hospital whose body has started to fail her. She now has to rely on her family for everything. Then, right next door to her was a man who did not know God and his body was also having set backs.
Later that evening my heart exploded with anger at God. Here this faithful woman had served Him the majority of her life and where was He? Why did He allow this to happen to her? Why had he not protected her body? Did it bother Him she was suffering? Couldn’t He see that she was hurting? Where was He? She was His child and He was standing by just expecting her to hang in there for however long. Then, whenever He said it was her time to come home, she would receive her reward in Heaven. I mean I was letting God have it. After I had finished, I realized I was not screaming at my Heavenly Father, but at my Earthly Father.
When I was three, we had a very painful, traumatic event in our family that would alter our lives forever. My father did not know how to handle the hurt, so he left us emotionally during the week and would physically leave us on weekends to escape his pain. He did not seem to care that my mother, my newborn brother, my one year old sister, and me were deeply affected. Couldn’t he see we needed him?
When life is good, I feel close to God. But when life comes at me with struggles and temptations, I think I am to handle them myself because God is not around to give me the strength and power to overcome and make it through.
I want to challenge all of you to pray this verse every day. Ask the Lord to show you where He is when you are struggling with same sex attractions or sitting at a computer tempted to look at pornography? He is there. He always has been, He always will be and He so very much wants to give you the power and strength to overcome whatever comes your way.
I am so thankful that the Lord wants to free us from the lies and misconceptions we have bought into. May He continue to increase my faith and your faith in who He really is as our Heavenly Father.