I met ‘Greg’ in high school through the drama team. He just came up to me one day and asked me to make him laugh, so I did. We were pretty much inseparable from then on.It was rare for me to find another guy with the same sense of humor, the same taste in movies and hobbies, so being together was really fun. And we hung out a lot. I always enjoyed spending time with Greg, so much so that I thought about him whenever I wasn’t with him. Whatever I got involved in, I thought of ways to get him involved, too.
We ended up going to the same college and taking a lot of classes together. As we drifted away from our high school friends, we got even closer. He was a really affectionate guy who had no problem hugging me, and sometimes we even wrestled around together. He was so considerate, calling me often and giving me silly little gifts or messages.
There was a down side to this seemingly fulfilling friendship, though. No matter how loving Greg was toward me, I always wanted more. Even if we spent a whole day together, for some reason I would go home at the end of it with a sort of frustrated, dissatisfied feeling. He was very social, and when I saw him laughing with other guys I felt jealous. I always worried, ‘What if he likes them more?’
Then Greg got a girlfriend, and their relationship quickly got serious. Now something inside me was really hurting. He always wanted to be alone with her, and our friendship suffered. I absolutely couldn’t stand the thought of them kissing it made me so angry – a bad angry that left me hopeless and depressed. I realized I was jealous of her, too.
In light of the fact that I was trying to overcome my struggles with homosexuality, this was an incredibly discouraging realization. I thought I was building healthy friendships! I thought this meant I was changing! Instead, I had ‘fallen in love’ with my best friend. I felt like a failure.
Worse still was the end of me and Greg’s friendship. Ultimately, my jealousy over his girlfriend turned into bitterness. Through sarcasm and gossip I sabotaged our relationship, and it went down – badly. When he was no longer a part of my life, it felt like losing a limb to a tragic accident. I was depressed for weeks.
This was one of the worst experiences of my life, and the harder thing was that this happened more than once, with other people. I didn’t learn until a while later that there was a name for this: Emotional Dependency.
What is Emotional Dependency?
The truth is, Greg wasn’t just my best friend, at least not to me. I was trying to make him my best friend, brother, mentor, dad, and honestly, even my god. He was certainly more important to me than God. But why would I, a Christian, do such a thing?
Homosexuality is a tough topic. Everyone’s talking about it, but no one’s really saying anything helpful.
You might be giving in to the temptations, or maybe you’re fighting silently and alone with painful questions. But you don’t have to be alone in this.
Exodus Youth is a community of people who are choosing to honor God with their sexuality and looking for real answers to their questions. Not just the quick answers you get from church or culture (just stop it / just do it), but answers that get to the heart of things.