Nine Lies Women Tell Themselves About Men – by Julie Ferwerda
Sitting across the table from my beautiful friend in the quaint coffee shop, my worry mounted. She was sharing details about her new whirlwind relationship that had begun a couple months earlier.
“I finally met that guy I’ve been talking to on the Internet. After calling and text messaging constantly for the last two months, we decided to take it the next level—so we met half way last weekend. It was amazing. He’s perfect for me! He is so kind, smart, funny, dynamic…he is too good to be true!”
Exactly! I thought to myself.
“And did I mention he is financially secure? Not that money is important.” Her apparent excitement said the opposite.
“Is he a Christian?”
“We met on E-harmony!”
“Is everyone on E-harmony a Christian?”
“Well…he hasn’t really been going to church—but he definitely loves God.”
Saddam Hussein claims to love God. “How do you know that?”
“He told me so! I just know God brought us together.”
“You’ve only known him for two months. Why do you think God brought him into your life?” I had to pinch myself under the table not to sound condescending.
“Because…it just feels so right when we talk. We have so much in common. He really loves me.” Oh, oh. I can see we’re in trouble now…
“So…since he’s such a great Christian guy, I’m sure he didn’t try to get you to sleep with him. I mean, he’s protecting your purity and all, right?” I had a bad feeling about this guy already. My cynicism was beginning to show.
“Well…he’s not legalistic about it. I mean, we are adults and he said as long as we’re committed to each other it’s the same as being married.” Her own convictions had seemingly evaporated overnight.
“So if you know each other so well, what are his weaknesses?” Besides not being a Christian, trying to get you into bed at the first chance, and being a liar.
“He might be just a little bit compulsive. Is it normal for a guy to ask you to take off your shoes before you get into his car? But I guess I don’t mind too much…he has so many other great qualities, what could be so bad about that?”
I’d had conversations like this with women dozens of times. In fact, for most of my own life, I was the one lying to myself. If anyone knew the lies women tell themselves to justify getting into bad relationships that led to bad marriages, it was me. And now, my precious friend, the one with whom I had discussed these lies with over and over, was falling into to them much too easily. I began to pray that she would see the truth before it was too late.
What about you? If you are still trying to hold out for God’s best but you find yourself identifying with some of the conversation above, read on. It’s not too late for you to begin identifying the lies you tell yourself so that you can avoid an empty marriage and shattered dreams.
Lie #1: A Christian man must be God’s best choice of a mate for me.
First of all, just because a man calls himself a Christian doesn’t mean a thing about his spiritual condition. Hitler probably professed to be a nice guy. What really shows a man’s faith is action—not trying to get you into bed until you are both wearing a ring; initiating his own personal relationship with God and encouraging yours as well; and especially holding his feelings back in the relationship to allow God to lead. God’s choice of a mate for you is going to be a godly man, and if you listen, God will tell you through an active prayer life and the counsel of other godly influences whether this is the one He has picked out for you.
Lie #2: If it feels right, it is right.
Feelings are unreliable. Don’t trust them, especially when it comes to spiritual matters. Feelings change day by day, and they can lie to you. Women who rely on them to make important decisions are going to be extremely disappointed, making one mistake after another. The decision must be made objectively and prayerfully. Sexual sin in the relationship will cloud objectivity and good judgment.
Lie #3: I can overlook a few character problems (a.k.a. red flags)—no one is perfect.
If a man has glaring character defects, it is likely that he is not teachable. Teachability is the number one character trait you should look for in a potential mate. I am not talking about normal struggles or mistakes, but habit pattern sins or dysfunctions that control their lives and that they are not open and contrite about. If a man is teachable, he will humbly listen to God and to his future wife when making decisions. He will be willing to work at his future marriage.
Lie #4: I really know him after spending so much time talking to him.
Phone and heart-to-heart conversations are no substitute for real life situations. He can tell you anything you want to hear while hiding behind a phone. But get him with his family, or behind a rude driver, or at a restaurant getting poor service, and then you begin to see what kind of a person he really is. A wise woman will wait it out awhile to observe his responses in every possible difficult and awkward situation.
Lie #5: He always tells me the truth.
If you think that then you don’t know most men in this world. Most men are very good at telling women what they want to hear in order to get what they want—sex. Pressure for sex from a “Christian man” should be the number one indicator of a dishonest man with underlying bad intentions and hidden motives.
Lie #6: Coincidences are a sign from God.
Satan, the master liar and counterfeiter, is cooking up coincidences to get you off track, so beware! He doesn’t want you to wait for God’s best. He wants to handicap your services for the Kingdom by getting you to settle for a miserable and empty marriage. Ask for godly counsel from objective bystanders, pray hard, and stay intent upon God’s will and not your own.
Lie #7: It’s normal for him to pressure me for sex. That’s just how men are.
True godly men live to please God and not their own selfish desires. They honor women as the treasure they are, treating them with absolute purity as Jesus would have done. They care more about the purity of their Christian sisters than a quick thrill for the moment. Sex before marriage is a sin and if a guy is pressuring, he doesn’t care about what God thinks and he doesn’t care about you either.
Lie #8: There are many quality romantic perfect men out there, just like in the movies.
Women have so filled their minds (and hearts) with Hollywood ideals about men, two tragedies have resulted. First, no man could ever live up to that fictitious standard so they are unfairly compared and criticized. Secondly, a woman in the beginning stages of a relationship can tend to fill in missing information about a man with imagined ideals before she even knows him. She ends up “falling in love” with an idea, not a person. When the man begins to show signs of human weakness, she is disappointed but holds onto the relationship hoping the man she first imagined will return. The few real quality men out there are the ones who are living to please God. You will need God’s help to find them.
Lie #9: When I find a man and get married, I will finally feel happy and complete.
If that’s true, why are so many women getting divorced (or wishing they were)? Why do Hollywood stars ditch beauties for someone else? The truth is, you will only feel happy and complete when you let God be your first love. No man—especially one who is not God’s best for you—will even come close. When the excitement wears off (and it will), you will feel more alone than when you were single.
By telling ourselves the truth, we have every chance to find the very best man that God wants to give us. A great example is my friend. She ended up getting out of that wrong relationship and listening to God for direction in her dating life. A few weeks ago, I attended her wedding. Just before she walked down the isle, she closed the door of the little room behind the three of us.
“We need you to say a prayer for us,” her eyes radiated happiness.
It was the beautiful sentiments of the groom—God’s best for her—that showed the day to be what I had hoped for her all along. “Yes, please pray for us. It’s the only way to begin our lives together. The day just won’t be right without it.”
I couldn’t have agreed more.
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Julie Ferwerda lives happily with her husband of four years, Steve, in central Wyoming. For more information see www.JulieFerwerda.com.
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When God Writes Your Love Story: The Ultimate Approach to Guy/Girl Relationships
God’s Gift to Women: Discovering the Lost Greatness of Masculinity
Set-Apart Femininity: God’s Sacred Intent for Every Young Woman
Authentic Beauty: The Shaping of a Set-Apart Young Woman
Every Young Man’s Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation
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Tags: 9 lies, dating, in love, Julie Ferwerda, marriage, perfect love, premarital sex, relationship, sex before marriage, true love
i disagree…i am sorry but i know my boyfriend is always telling the truth to me and i trust him and love him and we have been through sitautions so we do know each other…he doesnt pressure me sexually and is always respectful and caring, though he is not full blown christian, not that i am either, but we beileve in god, i am just further down the walk, but still he knows the truth about waiting until marriage and though its hard we stick by that…i know i love him, truley love him, the kind of forever thing…and i knw he feels the same…
“though he is not full blown christian, not that i am either, but we beileve in god, ”
Here is the problem sweetie.
You are either a Christian or you are not. There is no fence to sit on. While we maybe at different stages of maturity, EVERY Christian has a responsiblity to be obedient to God’s Word. If you obey God’s Word, like fleeing youthful lusts and the very appearance of evil etc, it won’t be so hard to stay pure.
Remember the devil is the father of lies. Until you fully commit your life to God and bring your heart and mind under the subjection of God’s Word and the Holy Spirit, you will always be deceived by the enemy (who by the way wants to take you out).
The Bible says:
Many a man proclaims his own loyalty, But who can find a trustworthy man? Proverbs 20:6
Thus says the LORD, “Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind And makes flesh his strength, And whose heart turns away from the LORD. Jeremiah 17:5
Be very careful. Jesus should ALWAYS be number ONE in your life!
Truth spoken in love!
I would like to address Lee’s comments. I am a male – 27 yrs old and I am a practicing christian. Men can be tricksters when ready. The younger guys hang around older men who “train” them to “talk to women”. This “talk” would include what to say to women to make them fall in love with them.They also teach them how to be romantic with the young women and they learn how to treat them wonderfully – lavish them with gifts, attention, flowers, sweet comments, clothes, money etc. Young males that want to keep the girl (atleast for the short term) wont generally “pressure her sexually”. They wont do this because they know that this might scare her off so.. they would just wait until she weakens and makes her “own choice” and gives in- This makes the female feel like ‘ he understands me and he is a gentleman because he is not about sex-… or they would seek sexual favours elsewhere. Now if the young female decides that she wants to have sex for whatever reason… the young man (who has been waiting) would not think twice about engaging in intercourse. Now, from a spiritual perspective, you have stated that you are christian, so that means that you believe and abide by the bible. You would know that God is love and despite what Hollywood and the internation media portrays love is…we know that only true love comes from God… and… that if you are not a “full-blown christian” .. this means that you are luke-warm.. and this obviously displeases God and can disconnect you from Him (he would spew you from his mouth! – Rev3:16). All of this is not a condemnation or judgement of your spiritual character but just an encouragement for you to get right with God first, and TRUE love would come abounding after. Believe me, the struggles that you state that you are going through can be helped by God once you hand over your life COMPLETELY to him! Good luck and stay sexually pure!
Hey. To be completely honest with you I don’t like either of these two articles about lies men/women tell themselves about women/men. I think you are stereotyping both sexes quite a bit. What you say maybe true for many but you say it as if every man only wants sex and every woman is very gullible and believes that men are like the ones in movies. I hope you see what I mean. I’m just tired of being stereotyped
i agree with phoebe with the stereotyping thing but you will not fully get the article until you have been thru everything stated lyk i av..n i COMPLETELY agree with it…tru der are men dat will be lyk dey will wait for u until ur ready to av sex (girls luv it wen their bf say dis coz dey feel very respected) hweva ders only a lng tym a boy can wait without any sexual relations sum of dese boys will begin seekin other lustful interests such as porn or masturbation to get their minds off sleepin with their gfs and sumtym more pressure is put on the grls..a tru boy dat luvs u will wait until marriage…no other sexual desires n dedicate himself 2 help u stay pure…also a true boy will love God before u…for only wen a boy luvs God b4 his gf n himself will he treate a grl the best way possible n especialli as God wants him to treate her…also it is tru that we u luv sum1 uv got to let them go and its also tru that if ur destined 2 b with sum1 no matter wat lyf will thro at u, u will always get bk 2getha even after 20 years..hweva onli if it is God’s plan