Only Once – a testimony about self harm and cutting

The author wishes to remain anonymous

Seven and a half years ago, I was sitting in a science class with my friends, watching time tick by too slowly as it always did. The teacher was shouting at the class, insulting our intellect and dismissing us as unruly yobs with no future. A few days previously a friend of mine had given me a craft knife to look after. I was so angry at this teacher, that without thinking, I picked up the knife and in my frustration I carved a large CND (Ban The Bomb) sign into my left arm. Blood ran everywhere …and I felt GOOD. Relieved. Appeased. Justified.

That was the beginning of 7 years of self-injury.

As time went on, ‘cutting’ became my secret friend. I could forget all the pain on the inside if I concentrated on causing pain on the outside. I pretended it didn’t matter if people used and abused me, because no-one could hurt me as much as I could hurt myself. And I truly believed that I deserved to be cut. So much so that, if somebody wasn’t hurting me, I didn’t feel that my existence was justified, so I hurt myself to appease my conscience – my guilt at leading a pain-free life. I was acutely aware of my sinful nature, and of the wages of sin….death. My self-harm was a desperate plea to a God I didn’t know: “I know I deserve to die for my sins. Look at my scars! I acknowledge my sin, but I don’t want to die!” I thought if I hurt myself enough I could justify not paying the full price for my sins. I justified my life by my pain. And if I wasn’t in pain I felt SO ashamed …like everyone knew I was scamming the system …that I didn’t deserve to be alive.

And then I met Jesus.

The week that I gave my life to Christ, my newly discovered Daddy made his little girl a promise: to set me free and to heal my scars. But, Lord, where does a little girl begin?? As a young Christian I struggled not to cut …a daily battle….because surely “Christians are joyful”? I felt I was letting down the Church, myself and Jesus if I gave way to temptation, but I knew no other way to cope with my feelings. I had been cutting for YEARS. So many wonderful people has told me that I was “justified by the blood of Jesus”, but I just could not understand what that meant. I NEEDED to see blood leave my body to know that I was cutting out all the sin, the sadness, the anger, the hatred, the frustration. I cried out to God every day to be set free. Even when I went for several months without cutting, the daily torment and temptation was a cruel and constant reminder of the only coping mechanism I knew. However, I stood on God’s promise, and refused to accept the lies that the Devil whispered to me. GOD WOULD SET ME FREE!!!

Then I began reading the Book of God by Walter Wangerin: the story of the bible told in novel form. Late one night I reached the part of the crucifixion. My love for Jesus had grown so strong, and the book was written with such tenderness that I had begun to feel as though I had walked right there with Jesus and his disciples. So when it came to the crucifixion of Jesus – MY Jesus – my heart was wrenched apart. The pain, humiliation and suffering he went through was described so powerfully. It wasn’t sensationalised, it wasn’t glamorously gruesome …it was just really, really REAL. I could hardly bear to read on. MY JESUS! How could this happen to my Jesus? I was wracked with sobbing, reading through tears about the most horrendous suffering of the most wonderful, precious person that had ever lived. “WHY?” I cried out to God. “WHY?” “How could You let this happen? To your Son?!” And the Lord spoke two, gentle words to me. Two words changed my life.

“ONLY ONCE.”

My Jesus shed His blood in my place. Suddenly I understood. Every reason for cutting myself that I had held on to, was every reason that Jesus bled and died. I WAS justified, by the blood of a pure and perfect sacrifice. No wonder I had never felt satisfied. No cut was ever deep enough or ever bled enough. I had to keep coming back, like the priests of the Old Testament, to offer a sacrifice that would never be sufficient to atone for my sin. Which is why Jesus came. To offer the perfect sacrifice. To stand in my place, and suffer my shame, and die for my sin. So that I might clothe myself in righteousness, and never bleed again.

And now? I understand that the grace of God covers me. The love of God surrounds me. The righteousness of God clothes me. The blood of Jesus justifies me. That God is so great, so gracious, so amazing, that he is satisfied to look upon His Son, and forgive His daughter.

If you are cutting or suffering from depression, check out the following:

Harnessing Your Emotions

We all have emotions, but do they rule us or do we rule them? Psychologists and Christians alike agree that actions are the result of inner thoughts and feelings, emotions. But that is where the agreement ends. The Word says that sin is conveived in our emotions. If that is true, then the Word must also give us a way to harness our emotions. Andrew’s teaching will present you with a new perspective on emotions.

Sin Is Emotional Real MP3
Psychology Vs. Christianity Real MP3
Self-Esteem Vs. Christ-Esteem Real MP3
Identity In Christ Real MP3

You’ve Already Got It

Most Christians believe God CAN do anything, but they don’t believe that He HAS done very much. They live their whole Christian lives seeking, trying to get the Lord to heal, deliver, bless, and prosper them; but He’s already done it. The true key to the Christian life is to quit asking, and start believing and commanding. This series will challenge your beliefs, and if accepted, it will change your life.

We’re Already Blessed Real MP3
Grace And Faith Real MP3
It’s In The Spiritual Realm Real MP3
The Triumphant Procession Real MP3
Do You Need More Faith? Real MP3
The Problem Is Our Unbelief Real MP3

Related articles:

Self-Injury Part One: What Is Cutting All About?
Self-Injury Part Two: Steps to Overcome “Cutting”
Self-Injury Part Three: For Those Desiring to Help
Self Harm – A Testimony and Audio Resources

References/Bibliography

http://www.self-injury.org/

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

www.users.zetnet.co.uk/BCSW/leaflets/womensa.htm

Colleen Thompson, (Mirror, Mirror)1996.
“The Final Freedom” by Doug Weiss,1998.
Malon and Berardi (1987)

*You are welcome to republish this article once you include the following text and link at the end of the article:

Read youth culture news, youth ministry articles, and join the fight for America ’s young people at http://www.battlecry.com/