I
still remember that night like it was yesterday.
I worked at the mall and left around 10:00 p.m. I said
good-bye to my friends and headed for the two-bedroom
trailer that I now called home. Little did my friends
know that my “good-bye” had a whole different meaning.
I decided that I would take my own life, the worst
decision of many bad choices I had already made.
What
makes a person choose to commit suicide? I was one
of those people that said life could never get that
bad, that things could never be so horrible that
they are beyond repair. I wasn’t committing suicide
because my life was out of control but rather because
I was
tired of fighting and losing a personal battle. I
felt like there was no other way out.
It
started five years before. I was excited when I entered
the youth group. I was in seventh grade, and my youth
pastor seemed like a great guy. He was cool, funny,
and he never seemed to mind having teenagers at his
house at all hours. The first time I was in his home,
I noticed a couple of movies on top of his television.
I don’t remember the titles, but I popped one in.
It was basically soft porn.
Shortly after that, our youth pastor took all of us to a youth
convention. One night he assembled the guys together in his room
and rented an X-rated movie. I watched, intrigued by what I saw.
From that time on, I was hooked. I lied and deceived to get my
hands on pornography. I craved it. Doctors say that the portion
of your brain that can become addicted to heroin is the same
part that functions when addicted to pornography. They also say
that porn is as hard to shake as heroin.
I
believe that, because that is how it felt to me.
Every
Sunday and Wednesday, I heard our senior pastor say
that behavior like mine was wrong. I was in total inner
conflict. I knew that I could never be good enough
to please God, yet I was so afraid of missing God that
I continued to go to church.
I
was alone. I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt or what
I was going through. How could anyone understand?
I knew that everyone would look down on me. I hated
who
I had become. I hated me.
Things
steadily deteriorated. I moved out of the house when
I was only a junior. My relationship at home had
not been good for a very long time. I was raised in
a “religious” home,
but the abuse and words that were spoken behind closed
doors were very different from the front everyone
else saw.
I
worked full-time and attended school. I thought moving
out would solve my problems, but it just made things
worse. I was now more isolated than ever, and yet I
had all kinds of friends.
Have you ever been in the middle of a crowd and still felt lonely?
Then
you understand how I felt.
I
changed churches and found one with caring people,
but I still had a skewed view of Christianity. I lived
a double life, wanting God, searching for God, and
yet hiding my sin.
One
night at church, a youth sponsor asked me to move
in with her family. I didn’t realize it then, but God
sent them to me to be my guardian angels. They let
me move in and treated me as if I were a family member.
They tried to reach me with love, but I managed to
keep a wall up between us.
You
see, I was still living my secret life. I didn’t want
them to know how dirty I felt all the time. I hated
the way that pornography made me feel, and yet I was
always looking for my next “fix”.
Other than that, things seemed to be looking up.
I had a beautiful fiancée. I worked at a decent job.
But it was hard keeping the porn part of my life
separate, so after I graduated from high
school, I moved out of their house and into a trailer.
It
didn’t take long for things to fall apart. I was caught
in more and more lies. I made several terrible financial
decisions, and the debt piled up. My fiancée and
I broke up. I felt alone and worthless. I thought
the
only way I could deal with this was suicide.
When
I arrived home that Tuesday night, I immediately
wrote notes to all the people I loved. I made sure
every
detail was in place. I lived by myself and didn’t
have to be at work until Saturday. By the time anybody
missed
me, it would be too late.
It
was 4:00 a.m. when I finished my suicide notes. I scrounged
a can of cream soda from the refrigerator. I sat in
a chair in the living room and methodically divided
the pills into three groups of ten. I swallowed ten
pills at a time, chasing them with several chugs of
cream soda, and gagging. Then to make sure that I was
successful, I followed that with a half a bottle of
Dimetapp. I then laid down to sleep.
Do
you believe in coincidences? I don’t. The next morning
at around 11:30 a.m., my ex-fiancée, whom I hadn’t
seen in about three weeks, decided to stop by and see
how I was doing. She called an ambulance, and I was
rushed to the hospital. I don’t remember the ambulance.
I don’t remember the rescue workers digging their knuckles
into my sternum trying to wake me up. I don’t even
remember them putting in the catheter. I just remember
sleeping.
When
the doctors did all that they could do, they spoke
with my parents. When they told my mom that she could
see me, she turned to the pastor of my church and
said, “I
love my son very much, but if he dies, I want to
make sure that he is ready to go. Will you go in and
pray
with him?”
Before
my pastor came in, the nurse told my parents I had
a 5% chance of living. If I did live, I could be
in a vegetative state because of the damage to my liver.
I remember my pastor coming in and saying that he
was
going to pray with me. I couldn’t reply, but he wanted
me to pray with him in my heart. I tried with all of
my might to make the words come out, but they wouldn’t.
I felt like I was dead and attending my own funeral.
Shortly
after that, my second mom came in to be with me.
I remember her laying her head on my shoulder. She
started
weeping and quietly prayed for me. Though I couldn’t
say anything and couldn’t open my eyes, the tears
spilled down my face.
Hours
later I woke up. There was black charcoal spewed all
over the room where I had constantly puked up the medicine
given intravenously to soak up the poison. My room
was a mess. My gown was a mess. Once again I felt dirty,
as if the mess on the outside revealed the filthiness
on the inside.
The
doctors said my recovery was a miracle. I left the
hospital the next day. I was given three choices: I
could be admitted into a mental hospital, I could live
with my parents, or I could move back in with my second
family.
Which
one do you think I chose? I went home from the hospital
that day and, literally mean, I went home. My second
family welcomed me back, but this time with new stipulations.
They would love me unconditionally, but I had to
be totally, brutally honest with them. I couldn’t hide
my feelings. I couldn’t mask the battle of sin.
I knew it wasn’t an equal trade because they would love me no
matter what, but I wanted to be honest with them. I wanted to
get better. I was tired of feeling the way I did, and here was
a family—a God-given family—who was willing to help me.
Another
requirement was that I had to go to weekly counseling
sessions with my Senior Pastor. Through these sessions,
I discovered that not all pastors are like my first
youth pastor. Little by little I progressed. My new
family spent a lot of personal time crying with me
and praying over me.
Things
didn’t immediately get better. In fact, they got worse
the first few weeks after I left the hospital. The
first week, I backed into a family member’s car. Then,
the next week my car was repossessed. In spite of these
incidents, I didn’t feel like I used to feel.
I
had to learn how to be honest. If I felt bad, I had
to say that I felt bad. I couldn’t put on a mask.
If I lied, those around me gently made me speak the
truth.
It was hard, but soon I learned to be honest with
God, with other people, and with myself. I learned
how to
let people into my life to help me and how to let
them hold me accountable.
Five years later, I look back and see where God has brought me.
Did I get here overnight? No, it happened one baby step at a
time. First, I had to be honest with others and myself. Second,
I needed to understand that God had a plan for me. Third, I learned
to look at life as a gift.
I
wake up each day, knowing that I’ve been given a
second chance. My God opened a door when I thought
there was
no way out.
Note
from Suzie: Today Darrin is married to Sarah and a
college pastor at Destiny Church in Ohio. He and Sarah
are expecting their first child, Abbi, in November.
Darrin says that he is so thankful that he received
a second chance at life and he shares his testimony
with teens and college students, letting them know
that God can turn your life around and that suicide
is never the answer.
Excerpted
from Real Teens, Real Stories, Real Life
ISBN
1589195000 copyright,
2002, T. Suzanne Eller
T.
Suzanne Eller is the author of Real
Teens, Real Stories, Real Life. She can be reached
at tseller@daretobelieve.org or http://daretobelieve.org.